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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 05/28/2013

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STUFFED FOR A LOSS BY BRIAN VON STÜFFEDCRUST

Leon Halip

STEER INTO THE SKID, IRISH. Everett Golson won't be suiting up for Notre Dame this year after being suspended due to "poor academic judgment." That could mean any number of things, up to and including "taking a Sylvia Plath seminar to meet girls." Tommy Rees now becomes the presumptive starohgodNDNationisgoingtoburndowneverything.

MICHIGAN GETS MORE DELICIOUS. Thanks to the signing of superstar prospect Jabrill Peppers, Brady Hoke's team is one step closer to the legendary ALL PIZZA DEFENSE, featuring linebacker Carl Olives, defensive end Derek Ham, and safety Aaron Extracheese.

OH YES WE'VE GOT TROUBLE RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY. With a capital T and that rhymes with D and that stands for Dropping Attendance Because Holy Hell This Shit Is Expensive And Also Students Are Kind of Dipshits So How About We Build A T-Shirt Cannon That Launches Bloomin' Onions Roll Tide.

THE BOCA RATON EARLY BIRD BOWL. Though this proposed new bowl game is just in the planning stages, Purdue has already lost the 2019 edition to Virginia, because Narratives.

RUTGERS HAS A RIGOROUS BACKGROUND CHECK. It has two questions. 1) You ever done some shit? 2) Promise?

ETC. See, Florida State has SOME standards for admission (ok, had). DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE. While we approve of your actions, sir, we find your name clunky and advise you to go with the more mellifluous Jumpin' Crack Flash.