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Eastern Michigan needs money, and self-described "rapacious bird" and EMU head coachRon English is going to make this happen even if he has to throw himself out of a plane and take him with you to make it happen.

We have questions and thoughts:

1. Ron English needs sixty grand for facilities. This is something most college fans understand, but the first thing he mentions is re-tiling the bathroom. Never mention something involving large sums of money, and then mention a task capable of being performed in cooperation with your local Lowe's home care expert. "I need a large sum of money for, um...groceries. Yeah. Like eggs and shit."

2. Ron English says the words "sixty thousand dollars" like he's saying "ONE GORILLION DOLLARS." And for a MAC team, this really is well over one gorillion dollars. We're also a little anxious over the hard sell of going to dinner, Ron. We're fine with friendly dinner, but this belle in a hoopskirt ain't turning into a tulip in bloom for anyone on the first date.

3. Alternative theory: Ron English is building the world's first bathroom that is also a weight room. SQUAT WHILE YOU SQUAT, MACsters.

4. English, like David Letterman and Michael Strahan, embraces his tooth-gap. Respect. It's a brand, and it's one you have to work, dammit.

5. Their fundraising page announces EMU as "the Michigan MAC Champions." Every MAC team in Michigan finished at 1-1 in 2012. Central beat Eastern and lost to Western: Western beat Central and lost to Eastern; and finally, Eastern beat Western, but lost to Central. In the "Michigan MAC," it is middle school field day forever. You truly are all champions. The math says so right here.

6. Someone please steal one of those bags filled with $60,000 just laying around a Big Ten administrator or SEC recruiter's office, and give it to Ron English before he kills himself wingsuiting to get Eastern Michigan a new pair of goalposts.