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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/1/2013

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GOLD ALL IN MY WATCH/GOLD ALL IN MY CHAIN/GOLD ALL IN MY COAT/DIVE ALL IN MY BRAIN

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STEVE ADDAZIO'S COAT COSTS MORE THAN YOUR HOUSE. The Divemaster himself looks like Sergeant Slaughter, but that coat is pure Ric Flair, brother. We continue to wish Steve Addazio the best as a head coach, since he is a nice person, probably a good head coach with a bright future, a superb recruiter, and no don't ever let him near your offense in the redzone, ever. (Via)

PITT TAKES A BOLD ANTI-HEROIN STANCE. Two players have been kicked off the Pitt football team following their arrest earlier this week on drug charges involving HEROIN. We're typing that in all-caps because it is how your brain will hear it anyway, because holy shit HEROIN. Another, early enrollee Tra'Von Chapman, is suspended for an alleged incident involving an assault on a lady in her home. Paul Chryst is working some things out at the moment; please hold.

BILL O'BRIEN IS AHEAD OF YOUR PETTY SCHEDULES, NCAA. So if Penn State is ahead of schedule on scholarship reductions, why not bump their whole calendar forward thanks to early compliance? (Answer: "Banana PIaget 45 periwinkle," says the random outcome generator that powers the NCAA.)

THE EXTREMELY UNSOLID VERBAL. Poor Dan has no Ty this week, so we filled in, and that's where you get us suggesting that Kirk Herbstreit's lustrous all-over tan would make his leaked sex tape the most bearable of all horrible CFB media sex tapes. (Note: the only person who has one is Tim Brando, and his is an entire series that is really closer to historical genre art than pornography. Harlequin Romance in film form, if you will.)

THE ONLY THING SLOWING US DOWN IS THE REF. With the usual apologies to Gary Danielson, the spread is still very much alive and well.

ETC: In New Orleans Billy Joel is writing a song right now called "Jazz Fest was fun." This is not an inaccurate review of "Pain and Gain." NEW HOOD INTERNET YAAYYYYYY.