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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 04/08/2013

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WHOEVER GAVE JOKER PHILLIPS PHOTOSHOP SHOULD BE FIRED AND/OR AWARDED A MEDAL

POLLEN SEASON. That is what's going on with my face, not any sort of emotional reaction to Nebraska giving an awesome opportunity to a very, very brave little kid. Maybe you do have a heart, Bo Pelini. (That's one of the Seven Seals, isn't it?)

HOPE YOU LIKE PUNT FORMATION, HOOS. It's not that Virginia doesn't have any quarterbacks, it's that they only have terrible quarterbacks. But I'm sure the non-conference schedule will be soft enough to allow someone to - oh, I see. Yeah. No, that's not good at all.

MARK RICHT HOT SEAT. "I just don't think he's getting it done," commented Kelsey Perkins, as he unloaded a set of golf clubs from a convertible PT Cruiser. "I mean, how do you expect to win the division when you can't even win your own spring game? Time to throw a buncha money at Tony Dungy go dawgs."

THEM HATERS ARE AMPHIBIOUS. Someone decided Bo Jackson needed to weigh in on the Auburn not-controversy, and, after basically saying he doesn't know anything, Bo concluded that someone is fishing. Pat Dye then appeared out of nowhere carrying a case of Jeremiah Weed and wearing uncomfortably short shorts with "LIVE BAIT" printed on the ass.

BRUTUS IS DEAD, LONG LIVE BRUTUS. This is why you gotta keep your head nut on a swivel.

ETC. That's a spicy meatball. Rome was a weird, weird place, man. These rules have never been necessary in Ann Arbor.