GO PRO IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN SPORTS, BIG TEN. Y'ALL JUST CAIN'T COMPETE WITH THIS ESS EEE SEE DRAFT DAY DOMINATION I TELL YOU WHAT. When reached for comment about Ole Miss contributing zero out of the 63 players from the conference drafted this year, Houston Nutt giggled maniacally and resumed trying to rig a Laff-A-Lympics event in his favor. What say you, Jameis Winston?
WHY WON'T YOU SCHEDULE TERRY BOWDEN? That's what Eleven Warriors should have asked Gene Smith, but I guess "I'm afraid he'll steal my heart" isn't what you want to hear from your AD. (Terry Bowden literally steals other people's hearts and keeps them in his garage fridge, because Terry Bowden is going to find a donor match one of these days and live forever.)
WELL THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE. Marcus Rios likely won't play for UCLA this season because he has a FUNGUS IN HIS SINUS CAVITY. We wish Rios a speedy and successful recovery and remind you that we have always been at war with fungi.
LES MILES SNOW ANGEL. Les Miles igloo. Les Miles biathlon. Les Miles toboggan accident. These are but a few possibilities resulting from a theoretical Wisconsin-LSU game in Green Bay, which we support wholeheartedly because chaos.
PAUL JOHNSON WILL ASSIMILATE YOU. You came to Georgia Tech from your home country to get an advanced degree in Biomedical Engineering, and now you're being worked out at linebacker because Paul Johnson has gotten really good at pretending to be a highly-placed ICE agent.
TOO MUCH AUBURN IN THE PANTS. College and Magnolia spoke with His Bo-liness, who has some BBQ-related opinions that I'm sure you'll all take in stride. Jay Jacobs knows it's been a rough year, but he's still at the helm, guiding the S.S. War Eagle to safe h(crashes into Opelika car dealership). "GUS MALZAHN'S HURRY-UP BINGO" is definitely a game show we would watch.