THE CURIOUS INDEX, 04/22/13

IT REALLY BRINGS OUT YOUR PALLOR. That sharp-dressed man (and the two children he kidnapped) were but three of 61,000 who poured into Neyland Stadium, full of excitement and anticipation for the beginning of a new era. For their trouble, they got one offensive touchdown and one defensive touchdown. THAT BRILLIANT ROGUE JIMMY HASLAM DONE MOVED THE BROWNS FIVE HUNDRED MILES SOUTH.

JUMBO PACKAGE ALL DAY. Notre Dame's spring game was a good opportunity for everyone to remember that the human brain is a highly imperfect computer because hey remember when people talked seriously about Everett Golson maybe beating Alabama. That's not important, though. Fat guy two point conversion, though? That's extremely important.

A MICHIGAN MAN NEEDS NO LABEL. Enjoy your last year of mocking the B1G's Leaders and Legends, as cardinal directions will be used in their place starting in 2014. The new setup means Michigan has to play Rutgers AND Maryland every year, and now we'll get to see if self-righteousness can keep your flight out of LaGuardia from being canceled six times. (It cannot.)

ROLL TREES. Auburn fans turned out in big numbers for the final rolling of Toomer's Corner, which looks a lot like a SimCity screenshot. Quick, raise residential taxes two percentage points while they're distracted and use the money to build a subway that only goes to Huntsville! Space Camp Express ALL ABOARD.

WITH THIS STABLER JERSEY, I THEE BED. Before you judge, know that these are his formal jean shorts, and by that I mean they don't have Skoal stains anywhere on them. Yet.

LES MILES ONLY TYPES 8 WPM. Answers a reporter's phone at a press conference and doesn't even offer to take a message. Add Administrative Assistant to the jobs Les Miles is not qualified to hold, a list which, to date, includes firefighter, buildings inspector, sushi chef, ski lift repairman, and shaman, at least if you believe the Louisiana Shaman Licensing Authority.

ETC. Menu forts are an important relationship tool. T. Boone and his family demonstrate that being rich is not the same as being happy, though being poor pretty much always sucks. Yes, but what, if anything, do these dogs bench press?