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BURRTR PIZZAHHH. Haaaaayyyyyy. DISSS GOOOOOOOOD. Million Pizzaz. Noppez wait: TWO MILLION PIZZURZ. I been sellin' goat as beef for YEARSZZ. Secrut ah mah sukcessss. GO CARDDDDZZZZ.

SYSTEM THAT HAPPENED TO WORK OUT WELL FOR BOB STOOPS IN A SINGLE CASE ENDORSED HEARTILY BY MULTIMILLIONAIRE BOB STOOPS. The current system, per guy who benefits enormously from it, is the ideal system, per someone who thinks it's okay for players to learn things by starving on a Sunday. Bob Stoops makes $4.6 million a year to coach college football. These are all facts presented without the commentary we want to make, which is "Bob Stoops is good at football and bad at thinking on an abstract, non-personal level."

THE ARTIST SPEAKS. Geoff Collins is the man behind Miss State's amazing "YOU'RE A BALLER" letter, and he's not afraid to preview the upcoming "SWAG-O-METER" he may just send to one lucky recruit.

THAT WON'T BE A PROBLEM AT ALL NOPE. Noah Spence has been unblockable all spring, per Eleven Warriors, bringing up the delightful double-edged sword of spring practice hype: Spence is probably really good, yes, and this also may mean Ohio State's o-line has some of the same issues it had last year in pass protection. Braxton Miller's bone-metal replacement surgery will be extraordinarily painful, but worth it in the end.

MMMM, REMEMBER THAT. Go to the 1:29 mark of this video to see a depopulated Death Valley, and stand in awe of the terrible things a Curley Hallman can do to a football program.

ETC: Tavon Austin is a...well, he's just a Tavon Austin.