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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 03/29/13

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WE SMELL YOUR FEAR. UNLESS THAT'S HAIR PRODUCT. IT IS SORT OF COCONUTTY.

Kevin Jairaj-US PRESSWIRE

WHO'S AFRAID OF MISSISSIPPI STATE? Mike Gundy, that's who. "Hey, but that story is about a lot more than valid concerns about schedul-" SHUT UP. Mike Gundy is a fraidy cat and that's where we are leaving it.

AUBURN IS GETTING FASTER. It's a work in progress, but man, once Gus Malzahn gets this baby up to 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious shit. (Spoiler: Gene Chizik is immortal and has looked and dressed exactly the same for 400 years. He was even Archbishop of Canterbury for a week or two, despite his weak record as Avignon Pope.)

KLIFF KINGSBURY IS THE POLAR BEAR'S TOENAILS. Just wait for the first Texas Tech upset loss/player arrested for drugs or weapons/any other excuse for a column about how this is a player's program and discipline and doing it the right way. Knowing all the lyrics to "Drive Slow" doesn't get you wins! Though it totally should, actually.

MACK BROWN, MAJOR AWARD WINNER.

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE OPENED THAT MUMMY'S TOMB. Pitt is without their projected starting running back. USC had a player fracture his fucking chest. Notre Dame is losing players at a rate rivaled only by the virus in Outbreak. THESE ARE THE END TIMES, PEOPLE. REPENT AND ROOT FOR URBAN MEYER BEFORE HE MAKES IT RAIN FROGS.

ETC. Get to offerin', Lane Kiffin. Oh, we're coming for your ass, underwater Kingdom of Atlantis.