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AN ALABAMA FAN BEHOLDS THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM

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FREE DRAGONS. FREE SUNSHINE. FREE HARVEY.

Well, I ain't one to stand between the law and those who tread in its path. No one's perfect, and lord knows that includes me, but when it's time to face the music there ain't an earplug in the world that'll drown out that song. Harvey's a lawman, but he ain't above the law, even if he's only guilty of having too much Bama in him, and too much Spike 80DF in his truck. It's hard, but it's fair, Paul.

Well now that's just the court bein' kind. Ain't no reason anyone should ever be there anyway, so havin' the law make you do what instinct should be tellin' you is just redundant now c'mon ROLL TIDE.

What?

As part of the plea deal, Updyke's probation will require him to abide by a 7 p.m. curfew, and he is forbidden to attend any collegiate athletic event. He is also banned from entering any property owned by Auburn University. Updyke is also ordered not to speak with any member of the media.

50639_alabama_tennessee_football_medium

THANKS OBAMA

YOU CAN TAKE AWAY THE MAN'S FREEDOM BUT DAMMIT YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY THE MAN'S RIGHT TO WATCH ALABAMA FOOTBALL IN PERSON AND CALL INTO THE PAUL FINEBAUM SHOW AFTERWARDS DAMMIT A MAN NOT EXPOSED TO ALABAMA FOOTBALL IN PERSON FOR OVER A YEAR SUFFERS FROM LOW-T AND THAT'S WHY MIKE DUBOSE EATS ALL THAT ANDROGEL.

AT LEAST HE SAYS IT'S ANDROGEL.

IT MIGHT JUST BE VASELINE SOMEONE'S SELLING HIM WITH AN ANDROGEL LABEL.

THAT PERSON MIGHT BE ME AND FEELING NO REGRET OVER IT AND THE UNTAXABLE MONEY IT'S MAKING ME AND MY FAMILY FOR THE PURPOSES OF WATCHING ALABAMA FOOTBALL

ANYWAY YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM HIM ANY SOONER THAN YOU'D TAKE AWAY THE AIR THE SUN OR HIS CABLE TV. THEY'RE ALL FREE OR AT LEAST THEY ARE AS LONG AS MY NEIGHBOR DOESN'T NOTICE THE WIRES MY HUSBAND SPLIT OFF SEVEN MONTHS AGO. BEST DECISION WE EVER MADE BUT IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO GET SOME DAMN HBO. DRAGONS AND TITTIES SHOULD BE FREE, TOO, SO GET TO CALLIN' TIME WARNER BECAUSE POWERFUL MIDGETS ARE KIND OF OUR THING NOW.

(A LANNISTER PAYS HIS DEBTS BUT NOT HIS OWN CABLE BILL OKAY)

SO YOU SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT YOU DAMNED OLD ACTIVIST JUDGE. WE'LL HIDE HIM. WE'LL SMUGGLE HIM INTO GAMES. IT'LL BE LIKE SPARTACUS BUT WITHOUT THE GAYNESS. SOMEONE WILL ASK "WHO'S HARVEY UPDYKE?" AND WE'LL ALL SAY "I AM" EXCEPT FOR HARVEY, WHO'S SO STUPID HE'D PROBABLY SAY "ME! MEEEEE!" WHILE SHOWING AN ID.

FREE AIR. FREE SUN. FREE CABLE AND DRAGONS.

FREE HARVEY.

[sigh]

Roll Tide,

A concerned Alabama fan (who wishes to remain anonymous because "stealing" cable is another thing your "laws" are wrong about, Judge DMX on a Horse)