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FULMER CUPDATE: UNDERAGE DRINKING AND BENNY MARDONES

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SOMEONE HAS TO GET TEENS DRUNK IN UTAH

Underage is a term that carries way more lethal stopping power now than it used to, since a full 45% of love songs written before 1990 centered on the theme of "man, she's sixteen, let a 42 year old man find love where he finds love." There are a thousand examples, and for a long time we stood by the assertion that none eclipse the eternal creepiness of Benny Mardones' 1980 classic "Into the Night."

We were wrong. There is something creepier than than the song "Into the Night." That thing: the original video for Benny Mardones' "Into the Night," featuring a goblin-faced Benny Mardones in a sleeveless striped t-shirt stalking a sixteen year old girl through a window, and then through a spectral statutory rape Tardis, and finally on a magic carpet that smells like Night Train and old cigarette smoke.

If Benny Mardones released this song today, he would be arrested.

Underage, however, can mean a lot of things. It can mean Benny Mardones deflowering a girl on a thrift shop rug while her dad passes out drunk in the next room watching wrasslin' on a Monday night, or more benignly it can mean doing what people have been doing for centuries: giving alcohol to minors to make friends.

Utah State, fortunately, is only guilty of the latter:

Doughty, 21, was boating at Sand Hollow State Park outside of St. George on Tuesday when rangers pulled up to the boat for an inspection and discovered two underage drinkers, according to a probable cause statement filed Wednesday in 5th District Court. The two females took breath tests that were positive for alcohol and said that Doughty and another person on the boat had purchased the alcohol for them, court documents state.

Doughty did the chivalrous thing by taking the blame for everything, and for that earned a misdemeanor charge of providing alcohol to minors. For that he and Utah State receive one point in the Fulmer Cup for the misdemeanor charge, and oh you say he's got a mugshot--

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--and that's two points for Utah State, since if anyone's ever going to get a bonus for giving underage ladies beer in Utah, it's going to be a man with that mullet.

P.S. this is the most horrifying still from the original "Into The Night" video:

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THIS IS WHAT RESTRAINING ORDERS ARE FOR