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NICK SABAN IS SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. Ask yourself - does beating up some random student for his snack money help the team? Does it? No, because you didn't get enough snacks for everyone at your position meeting. That's bad leadership and you should know better. Coach Saban wishes you well but has to ask you to leave this team. Via catapult. Now.

THAT BUYS A LOT OF REST STOP CINNABON. Don't give Maryland that fat travel subsidy up front, Big Ten. It's just too tempting. You get that check for twenty million and you say you're going to spend it responsibly and then boom! WIthout even thinking, you're in Quito, flying a helicopter and spraying the crowd with a mounted fire hose full of Nutella.

LET MIKE SLIVE MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR. Your women came to him, Big 12. He's not a homewrecker. But he's not a Puritan. Hate the game, etc. etc.

HEY, NEW GUY. You know that whole "rebuild the credibility of the Enforcement Division by overhauling policies and procedures such that we don't 'accidentally' put a Ponzi schemer and his attorney on the payroll again" thing? Yeah, we forgot to mention there's a deadline GOOD LUCK BUDDY YOU CAN DO IT!

AIR RAID + DEATH ROW = DEATH FROM ABOVE. Would Snoop Dogg Lion's kid be doing so well if not for his father's success at all levels of entertainment? I think we both know the answer is clearly not. You can't coast on "The Wash" forever, dammit.

ETC. Bad news, Martian Library Systems. Clearly someone in Quebec has been checking out Wikipedia's more fascinating sections. OH WE DANCIN' NOW.