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THIS IS WHAT DRESSY CASUAL MEANS. Don't ask Barry Switzer where he got this coat unless you're prepared to testify about a thrilling adventure involving swordplay, an international drug cartel, a school bus full of dead pumas, and the exhumation of Elizabeth Taylor's body. A promise is a promise, even after death, Liz.

FIND THE NICEST RETIREMENT HOME IN IOWA. Then find the nicest room in that retirement home, because that's where Kirk Ferentz is eventually winding up, since he's secured employment for seven sons, four sons-in-law, eight nephews, three nieces, 27 cousins, thirteen second cousins, and a grandma nobody seems to know. Iowa football is now so infested with Ferentzi they'll need to fumigate to get them all out.

DON'T BLAME THE TV STATION. Dana Holgorsen hasn't been able to spell his name for thirty-some years, so why should the media be held to a higher standard? The man has a car registered to "Dana Hulk-or-somethin," for godsakes.

LANE KIFFIN DOES NOT COMMENT ON INJURIES. Like Marqise Lee and presumptive starting QB Max Wittek suffering knee injuries, for instance. Is it because Lane Kiffin lacks even the most basic understanding of human anatomy and, if forced to answer, would only tell you that "his bendy place went ow-ow so now he's sleeping?" Probably.

WITH HIS LOVE OF REGGAE MUSIC. It's like you know we won't have Steve Spurrier around forever, Bret Bielema. LORDAMERCY!

HOBBIES ARE OVERRATED. Oh sure, when I say I have no wife, no kids, no friends, nothing I want to do with my day but watch videos of high schoolers, suddenly I'm a criminal. Whatever, football.

ETC. The Bystander Effect is what allows dozens - even thousands - of people to observe violent crimes like this oneand do absolutely nothing. For shame, citizens of Southern California.