THE ONLY OSCAR PREVIEW SANCTIONED BY THE ALMIGHTY

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

OH SWEET WONDERFUL HEAVEN! YOU HAVE BLESSED US AGAIN WITH SO MANY FINE FINE PERFORMANCES FROM THE LADIES! THE CATEGORY SAYS SUPPORTING BUT A MOVIE CAST IS JUST LIKE A TEAM - YOU SUCCEED AS A GROUP AND IF YOU FAIL YOU SLAM THE PUNTER'S HAND IN A SLIDING GLASS DOOR. ANNE HATHAWAY IS THE REX RYAN OF THIS GROUP, ALL TALK NO CHALK. NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! BUT IT IS ONLY THROUGH HIS DIVINE WISDOM THAT HELEN HUNT WILL WIN THIS AWARD FOR HER FREAKY ASS ROLE IN THE SESSIONS! SORRY SALLY FIELD BUT A REAL FIRST LADY WOULDA KNOWN HONEST ABE NEEDED TO AT LEAST SEE SOME TITTIES. GALATIANS 1:9.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

ALAN ARKIN IS A PERSONAL INSPIRATION TO ME. JUST KEEPS GIVING ONE HUNDRED AND TEN NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE SAY HE'S TOO OLD OR TOO SLOW OR RECOVERED SUSPICIOUSLY QUICKLY FROM A SERIOUS INJURY. YOU CAN'T LISTEN TO THE DOUBTERS FOR THEY ARE AGAINST YOU. JUST LIKE THEY WERE AGAINST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR! I DID NOT SEE THE MASTER BECAUSE THAT FELT LIKE BLASPHEMY. ALSO I HEARD THAT SHIT WAS SLOWER THAN TONY SIRAGUSA'S DIGESTIVE TRACT. 1 CORINTHIANS 14:19.

BEST DIRECTOR

(shakes left leg uncontrollably) (whips arms side to side) (tears out hydrangea bush for no reason) (screams at empty bottle of water) (puts hand on hip) (dips) (dips) (dips) (pantomimes operating a garbage truck)

BEST ACTRESS

I JUST HAVE TO STOP FOR A MOMENT AND THANK THE KING OF KINGS, FOR HE HAS LED ME THROUGH DARK PASTURES AND OUT OF HARROWSOME VALLEYS. ONLY THROUGH HIS GRACE HAVE I SEEN THE MOUNTAINTOP AND TASTED OF ITS FRUITS AND CHEESES.

ANYWAYS THIS AWARD WILL GO TO QUVENZHANE WALLIS BECAUSE JESUS ALWAYS LOVED THE LITTLE CHILDREN MOST OF ALL. PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT A THREAT TO HIM ON THE DEPTH CHART.

ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE MY NEW RADIO SHOW WITH COHOST ROB PARKER STARTING THIS SUMMER - PARKER-LEWIS CAN'T LOSE. IT'S A DEBATE FORMAT WHERE ROB CONSTRUCTS A LITERAL STRAW MAN AND THEN I GET TO TACKLE IT AND IT COUNTS FOR MY STATS. SHOUTS OUT TO ROG GOODELL FOR SETTING THAT UP FOR US. THE GOVERNMENT INVENTED HEAD TRAUMA TO KEEP US DOCILE. ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT 7:10-12.

BEST ACTOR

DAMMIT DENZEL YOU AIN'T GOTTA SAY SHIT TO THE AUTHORITIES LEARN YOUR CONSTITUTION THE ONLY POWER YOU ANSWER TO IS GOD AND HE AIN'T GOT A SEARCH WARRANT. WOLVERINE YOU NEED TO KNOCK OUT ALL THAT SINGING STEALTH IS YOUR WEAPON LIKE A BLINDSIDE BLITZ AND OH HELL ELI MANNING JUST RAN BY ME HE'S FASTER THAN HE LOOKS I PROMISE. DON'T EVEN START WITH THIS DANIEL DAY LEWIS WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE HIMSELF PEOPLE LOVE AUTHENTICITY JUST LIKE RAY RAY SHOWS EM. THAT'S WHY THE LORD FAVORS BRADLEY COOPER FOR PLAYING A CRAZY-ASS EAGLES FAN WHO'S HAPPY WITH A NON-CHAMPIONSHIP PERFORMANCE. TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE, DDL. 2 ONION RINGS: 99.

BEST PICTURE

YOU HAVE TO PERSPIRE TO INSPIRE. THEN YOU MAY RESPIRE UNTIL ONE RETIRES AND ADMIRES THE FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR. THE LORD TOLD ME TO SWEAT UP A CANTALOUPE AND THAT IS WHAT I DID. A CANTALOUPE IS WHAT MY TAX ATTORNEY CALLS MY BLIND TRUST IN THE CAYMAN ISLANDS. ITS FLESHY SWEETNESS IS INDEED SAVORY, LORD! PARTICULARLY WHEN GIVING NO MONEY TO THE CHARITY WITH MY NAME ON IT! ZAXBYSIANS 8:92

MOVIES.

• THE MASTER. HELL NAW.
• LINCOLN. THE ENDING WAS CRAZY!
• BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD. I HATE MAGICAL REALISM. IF I WANTED REAL I'D LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND MAGIC IS FROM THE DEVIL UNLESS IT'S MY CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND CRISS ANGEL. HE MADE KYLE BOLLER DISAPPEAR FOR ME AND FOR THAT I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL PRAISE JESUS IN HEAVEN.
• LIFE OF PI. HATED IT BECAUSE IF THERE IS A TIGER IN THE BOAT THE LORD WANTS YOU TO EAT THAT TIGER BECAUSE HE HATH PLANTED A BOUNTIFUL GARDEN FOR YOU TO HAVE DOMINION OVER! AND SOMETIMES IN THAT GARDEN HE PUTS A TIGER! WHICH IS A WEIRD PLANT WITH FANGS BUT THE LORD IS SO MYSTERIOUS! AND NOT REAL GOOD WITH TAXONOMY!
• ZERO DARK THIRTY. TEAMWORK MEANS WILLING TO SACRIFICE. TO DIE FOR THE MAN NEXT TO YOU! I'VE BEEN IN THOSE SITUATIONS! I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THEM DUE TO THE TERMS OF A SETTLEMENT IN A CIVIL SUIT!
• AMOUR GOD BLESS HER AND MAY HIS NAME BE PRAISED. BUT IF I WANTED TO WATCH AN OLD WOMAN DIE FOR TWO HOURS I'D GO REWATCH KERRY COLLINS PLAYING IN A SUPER BOWL.
• ARGO SEEMED SORT OF ARABO-JEW-BUDDHIST NO STARS
• SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK. UNIMPRESSED BY THE DANCING. THEY DIDN'T EVEN FLIP OVER A DUMPSTER AND PEE ON IT. IN PRAISE OF THE LORD, OF COURSE.
• LES MISERWAIT HOLD UP I WANNA SING YOU THIS SONG I WROTE
  
  
  
  SHIT THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL IT'S ABOUT THE LOVE OF OUR CHRISTIAN GOD AND ALSO ABOUT STOPPING YOUR OPPONENT ON FOURTH AND ONE
• DJANGO UNCHAINED. SLAVERY WAS HARD BUT IT WASN'T THE AFC NORTH. DAMN I'M STILL HAVING EMOTIONS ABOUT MY SONG
  
  

  HIS NAME BE PRAISED NOW YOU GIVE A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD TO JESUS CHRIST OR ELSE