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John David Mercer-US PRESSWIRE

They only let him talk in public twice a year or so, and that is a complete bleeding shame because Scott Cochran, like every other strength coach on the planet, is a husky voiced dervish incapable of modulating both his enthusiasm or the volume of his speaking. He's a lot LIKE YOUR FRIEND on the internet who's incapable of not RANDOMLY TYPING IN ALL-CAPS when he wants to MAKE HIS POINT YEAAHHHHHH.

Upon review, Scott Cochran may be an all-caps-freaky blogger who escaped their sad fate being chained to a laptop in a dingy kitchen, got a shitload of weights and torture machines, and then set out to become a kind of walking Ritalin inhaler for the world. He gave the media a TOUR of the new Alabama WEIGHT ROOM YESTERDAY. There was enthusiasm. There was a little white man singing T.I. lyrics to a snack bar. There was magic.

  1. "HUUUUUUUUUUUGE! BIGGEST BADDEST WEIGHTROOM IN THE COUNTRY!" In the first two minutes Cochran loses control of the volume of his voice three times, including a PLAAAAATFOOOOORMS that is totally deserved at the 1:30 mark, because in-ground Olympic lifting platforms are totally fucking awesome, Scott.
  2. "I'm BIIIIIIG ON THE JOCK ROCK." Scott Cochran demanded a boomin' system for the weight room. If there is a humorous God, he will ensure that Cochran actually plays Jock Jams, Volume One through the speakers, and that Alabama has to do burpee pull-ups to the tune of "Strike It Up."
  3. "YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER YOUUUUUUUUU LIIIIIIIIIIKE." After six minutes of watching Scott Cochran, we now want new things for ourselves. We want to be champions. We want to start doing neck exercises for no reason, and building smoothie bars and snack bunkers into every part of our home, and no, shit, you're right, Scott, 37,000 square feet for a gym is not only reasonable, it's MANDATORY YEAAHHHH BUDDAY.
  4. We also would like a full album of Scott Cochran yell-singing hip-hop standards of the 2010s.
  5. "I"M TELLIN YOU IT'S FIYAAAAAAAA." All strength coaches should be from New Orleans, and all strength coaches should be Scott Cochran and suffer the same benign brain injury that makes you yell
  6. The Alabama weight room does have tvs, but it's only to broadcast footage of weightlifting. Alabama's gym is the weightlifting gym where you can watch infinite loops of people weightlifting while you lift weights.
  7. In conclusion, this is the baddest shit ever, and Alabama has a short blonde gremlin from Louisiana in charge of the whole thing. There are probably better uses of money in this world. But do any of them come with Scott Cochran singing T.I. and bragging about the insane number of reverse-hyper machines they have? No, no they do not.
  8. That "You can have whatever you like" yell is already a ringtone, or will be in the next fifteen seconds.