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We overslept for a final once, so you shouldn't have expected much.

Kevin C. Cox

YEAH BUT DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BILL C? Sure, you can put together an informative and incredibly detailed assessment of pass distribution and percentages for over 40 quarterbacks last year that demonstrates holy shit Kiehl Frazier was bruuuuutal. But what about your preacher curl?

HERE COMES THE BREWM. Florida State finally has a full complement of assistant coaches, having lured Tim Brewster from Mississippi State to supervise the tight ends. It probably doesn't help that he was only making $225,000 in Starkville, which doesn't even have a CiCi's Pizza. That's third world, man.

AND OTHERS WANT OUT OF STARKVILLE, TOO. Not permanently, necessarily, but Dan Mullen has accrued all this vacation time and you never let him use ANY of it. Just give him a month to use his timeshare in Myrtle Beach. It's not like you're getting any of these recruits away from Hugh Freeze anyways.

VINCE YOUNG DEMANDS THAT YOU FINISH THE DRILL. Everyone else is done with practice? That's no reason to leave early, youngster. Greatness is about giving that extra ten percent when others are ready to stop. Especially at The Cheesecake Factory. YOU'RE NOT FULL UNTIL VINCE SAYS YOU'RE FULL NOW BRING US A DULCE DE LECHE FOR THE WHOLE DAMN TABLE.

YOU WERE ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE, NEVIN SHAPIRO. But we didn't know you were cheap, too. What's the point of orchestrating a multi-million dollar Ponzi scheme if you're not actually going to burn money like an arms dealer two weeks away from turning himself in to Interpol? Disgusting, sir. Disgusting.

ETC. You just can't sing this when you root for a Bret Bielema team and not expect a glossy 8 by 10 dick pic in the mail. JON BOIS IS FOR THE CHILDREN. UNC verifies its own existence.