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(This is not a current picture of Stephen Garcia. It's at least two weeks old.)

SPRING CAMP IS NOT APPROVED BY THE AMA. Sure, all that sunshine the coaches blow up your ass feels awesome. But then suddenly it's September and acid reflux is keeping you up at night and your foot's turning a weird purple green and oh god John Brantley really is your quarterback.

SINCE WHEN IS BEING TOO RESPONSIBLE A CRIME. I thought we wanted our young people to feel comfortable going to the police. Now we're saying you can only report ACTUAL crimes? Really don't know what this world's coming to. I say give this kid a medal.

HUGH FREEZE WELCOMES YOUR EMAILS. You think you're being clever, flooding the compliance office with your snarky. But now he's amassed a list that'll fetch him thousands of dollars, while you get sixteen offers a day from JoS. A. Bank. BUY TWO SUITS GET EIGHT SUITS THREE BELTS AND HALF A CUMMERBUND FREE! Oh, and don't even bother checking your Facebook messages.

GIVE DANA HOLGORSEN TRAVEL SOLUTIONS A CALL. Tired of all that grueling to-and-fro now that you're in the Big 12, West Virginia? Try HOLGO HIGHWAYS! Step 1: Drink a fifth of Campari. Step 3: Wake up nine hours later in a totally different location from where you started in Step 1. (Don't ask about Step 2. Then you'll have to testify.)

35,000 PAGE GOLD-PLATED MEDIA GUIDE. Just plated? Way to get cheap on us, Mack Brown. I bet that's not even a real lucite keytar in your office.

MARK EMMERT IS BULLETPROOF. On the one hand, he's presided over some of the most ham-fisted years in NCAA history. On the other, the Executive Committee knows they never found all the disposable cameras from Strip Twister Night.

ETC. This is why I never made it through Ulysses. You are not living life right, because you are not Earlie Johnson, Muskegon Man of Refinement. Please tell me he's hiring interns.