THE BIG EAST IS STILL RICHER THAN YOU

Math is an emotionless discipline, which is why "155 < 20" does not entirely convey the import of the Big East's pending distribution deal with ESPN. Still, the Big East is a conference not of the past, but of the future! A dreary, hellscape future where animal marrow is our only currency and the sky rains crystallized shards of chlorine.

But the Great Sky-Darkening of 2047 is some time off, so, until then, here's what the Big East can buy with all that paper.

1. MySpace. It only cost thirty-five mil back in 2011, and something tells me the price has not gone up since then.

2. Ashton Kutcher, who made $24M in 2012 so just remember that next time you tell your kids this is America and people can do anything with hard work and talent because it's a goddamned lie and please just give me like thirty grand, Ashton.

3. Twenty four MiG 29s. "Oh, you're leaning towards committing to West Virginia? Hang on, I just have to make a phone call. Say, what's your address in latitude and longitude?"

4. Two million, five hundred thousand Bloomin' Onions from one of the four Outback Steakhouses in Louisville. That order's got to be beyond their capacity to fill, which means NO MORE STRENGTH PETALS FOR YOU CHARLIE STRONG YOUR SECRET IS OUT.

5. 500,000 parakeets. That actually only runs you ten million dollars, so you can use the other ten on tickets to the ACC Championship Game. They can't keep the bird out if it has a ticket - it's in the North Carolina Bible, which is actually just a slow-cooked yellow pages with everything but the chiropractor pages ripped out.

6. A trip on Virgin Galactic for you and nine friends. In space, Steve Addazio can't hear you scream. (Because he stuffs his ears with deli meat on long trips. It's just a snack thing. Don't be weird.)

7. One of Donald Trump's Atlantic City casino hotels. Do not read anything into the parallel declines of this sad shell of a gambling town and the once-proud athletic conference! They both still have pretty decent buffets! And a heavy Groupon presence! ALL IS WELL!

8. Celine Dion's private Canadian island. Shit, forget all that other stuff. Just buy this and play all the games on it. Cause I'm your qqqqqqqbbbbbbbb / And they're playing maaaaaaaan / Whenever you reach for meeeee / I'll dump it off to the flaaaaaaat