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Dave Martin

YOU CAN HIT ME BUT I'LL STILL LOVE YOU, ALABAMA FOOTBALL. The Alabama student paper has the full details of Tyler Hayes and Eddie Williams' robbery of an Alabama student, and it sounds nasty as hell. It's cool, though, since the student still loves you, Alabama football, even though a football player beat you so badly you were knocked out and your face swelled to a "gigantic" size.

"This was just a matter of chance. I’m still gonna love Alabama football. I just want to deal with this case, move on with my life," Jurgens said.

All of the "Skittles Four" involved in the array of petty assaults and thefts have been suspended by Alabama as they "gather more information." Hope you liked having fingernails, gentlemen. Because can he be honest with you? Nick Saban being here is bad news. He's not your friend. He's not gonna help you. He's gonna break you. Any questions?

WOO PIG SULTRY. Defensive end Austin Flynn of Arkansas was arrested for DWI this morning, and my goodness, is that a sexy mugshot. Everything's coming up Arkansas in the past 48 hours, and by that we mean that John L. Smith is being accused of using his employment contracts with the Razorbacks to defraud creditors seeking some share of his bankruptcy settlement.

URBANATOR RETURNS. We link this because Andy's good at this, but also to point out longtime horrible EDSBS commenter GoalieLax in the first comment, who has been saying that everything is hackneyed since like literally 2006. Here is your chicken: please continue fucking it.

LANE KIFFIN IS DONE. Matt Hayes thinks so, though in mentioning Kiffin's ability to get good jobs despite mixed results he misses what would be the most Lane Kiffin thing ever: keeping the USC job against all evidence that he should not. ("And you'll like it, butthorn," says Lane Kiffin before pressing START on a microwave full of old fish in the office kitchen.)

BOB STOOPS, NOW JUST TAKING TEN WINS AND THROWING THEM OUT THE WINDOW. The staff shakeup at Oklahoma is understandable, but damn, it's got to suck to have ten wins on the year and look at it and think: "Meh."

ETC: Dusty Rhodes, our finest national poet. Joe's gettin' blazed for liberty. LEONARD NOW, LEONARD FOREVER.