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PAUL RHOADS KILLED A MAN IN A FLORIDA TURNPIKE RESTROOM. At least, that's the assumption, because you don't put in the hours it takes to get get nine recruits out of the Sunshine State and not kill a man in a Florida Turnpike restroom.

EVERYTHING IS FINE AT USC. Nobody panic. It's just a total coincidence that the Trojans fired offensive coordinator Kennedy Polamalu right after Signing Day. There is no truth to the rumors that Lane Kiffin just uses recruiting to provide him with new social security numbers so he can open dozens of fake credit card accounts.

LSU, YOU ARE NOW THAT MUCH CLOSER TO NORV'N IT. Look, when you can get the guy who lost to Kentucky four years in a row, that's an opportunity you can't oh wait no actually maybe you should have hired almost anyone else, Les Miles.

WISDOM, INTEGRITY, AND RESPECT. Hell, Bowlsby, if that's what you're looking for in a committee member, just give Barry Switzer a call! (Wisdom and Integrity are the names of his testicles.) No word on how the Big East will be able to pay for its representative to attend, now that they're getting offered eleven bucks an hour with no benefits.

IMAGINE IF A BADGER AND A HATCHET PROCREATED. Boom! You just came up with the possible new Oregon State logo - HADGER, THE WEASEL THAT CUTS YOU.

ETC. Here are a whole host of things you could read that are more interesting than the Paterno Report. But if you're really set on it, let Counselor Big Wheel walk you through it. There is one other interesting candidate for the papacy.