HATIN' ASS SPURRIER THINKS YOU'RE ALL CHAMPIONS

Given how his first season went, maybe it's smart that Bret Bielema only lives in motels that charge hourly.

If you can spread horseshit on toast, it stands to reason you could spread Florida's offense on a football field. Doesn't mean you want to, but it's doable, is what I'm sayin'.

I respect Jeremy Foley's decision. It's very selfless to quarantine Will Muschamp from every other college football program.

For a man named after a pope Urban Meyer sure ain't big on preventing his defense getting penetrated.

You can tell by Brady Hoke's waistline that the man's never had a good sense of when not to go for two.

I'm not saying they're soft on discipline, but move the Stanford Prison Experiment to Ohio State and those kids would just miss the first quarter of the FAMU game.

Y'all hear someone dumped human remains on the field at Jordan-Hare? The things people will do instead of play for Dan Mullen.

Baptists, for the record, don't usually get cremated. However, Oklahoma State does make exceptions for bears in November.

Hey, you know what Dabo likes for dessert? Bet you thought I was gonna say turnovers. I was, cause I'm about as good at comedy as Clemson is at holding onto the football.

The hardest part for Dabo about losing five in a row to us? Can't say for sure, but it's probably the counting part.

Tough to see Ed Orgeron go out like that, but I'm sure he'll find work again as Charlie Brown's Scariest Teacher.

It's okay, Tech. No one's outscoring you at DragonCon, 'specially if you take to big girls in corsets.

It's weird to say it, but Duke's resume is so good they won't have to get a bowl game invite from their uncle over a more qualified applicant.

This might be the most perfect Big Ten Championship, because it features one guy who had a heart attack and another guy who faked one to get out of work.

Michigan State plays that Old Testament football. You know, the part where Moses takes the ball and wanders in the desert for 40 years.

I do think there's a case to be made for Auburn to get in over Ohio State, mostly because it'd be funny to see a Buckeye be on the other side of a jumping for once.

Atlanta is known for hittin' the pole hard, so Mizzou football really is a perfect match for 'em.

Missouri fans, please note that meth van parking in Atlanta is limited. Get it stolen, however, and you might get it back with better lab equipment in it.

Gary Pinkel or Roomba? It's a harder game than you think.

Nice to see Auburn doin' well in a computer that isn't used to order stuffed crust pizza for once.

If miracles were real, Auburn fans wouldn't still live in Alabama.

Kicks really ain't a friend of Mizzou. I get that.

But don't worry. Auburn's not known for late game heroics or weird shit. Y'all will be righter than a catfish in a blender.

I'd support AJ McCarron for Heisman, but if you give a man a hunk of copper that big in Alabama he'll just turn around and sell it for cash.

They call Oklahoma State/Oklahoma Bedlam because the state's just like that famous mental hospital: filled with the criminally insane, and bound to be shut down and taken over by the government at any minute.

Honestly, I'm happy FSU's likely headed to Pasadena. Every other time Seminole grads have gone to California, it's been for a job in porn.

Todd Graham winning the Pac-12 is like that time Cuba Gooding, Jr. won an Oscar. Since he's probably taking the U-Dub job, it's an achievement he'll follow up by ruining his career by working with dogs.

Well, at least Mack Brown's not going to be the first person to see his career go up in flames in Waco.

Memphis at UConn? I didn't know boredom had a conference championship game.

The Big Ten plays its game indoors because it ain't indecent exposure if you strip Ohio State naked in a private domicile with their permission. (See: case of Tressel v. Meyer, AZ case law, Jan 2007)

Sarkisian may seem weird, but Seattle's home to Starbucks, REI, and Microsoft. Exportin' average product at outrageous prices is their thing, y'all.

Gamecock fans, we'll be in Tampa, one of my favorite places because people will thank you for killing their older relations with errant tee shots. Great town. Better people.

Gotta respect Jim Grobe's career. He proved a potato can win an ACC championship before Miami can.

Don't sleep on Iowa. They've got bedbugs, and their buyout's insane.

In fairness, when Jim Mora said Washington was his dream job, he'd taken a couple of mefloquine pills before bed.

Houston Nutt's perfect for the Wake Forest job. He's had recruiting classes bigger than their total enrollment.

I hope George O'Leary leads UCF to the Fiesta Bowl, just so everyone can comment about how John McCain has REALLY let himself go.

Wisconsin vs. Auburn? Well, both fanbases let Jesus take the wheel, though Wisconsin's reasons are entirely different, and mostly go back to that bullshit about the time they drove through the front of the package store at 4 a.m.

You know what the difference between a day laborer waiting out front of Home Depot and a chauffeur/caddy is? Fifty bucks and trust, that's what.

Y'know, Dabo never said he had a championship team in FOOTBALL. Maybe he meant buddhism, since Clemson's not big on keeping possessions around.

Well, least you're gettin' an extra week to recruit, Coach Saban.