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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/30/2013

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WILL MUSCHAMP WANTS TO KNOW WHY YOU CALL IT THE GARDEN IF THERE AIN'T NO TASTY RUTABAGAS

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

MUSCHAMP TO THE KNICKS. It starts with the intensifying rumors that Bill O'Brien will leave Penn State for the Houston Texans. That would apparently trigger Penn State swiping Greg Schiano from the Tampa Bay Bucs. The Bucs would then hire Gus Malzahn, Auburn would snag Todd Graham, Arizona State would give the job to Kevin Wilson, and Indiana would, in a panic move, hire beloved alumnus Mike Woodson away from the New York Knicks.

And that's how Will Muschamp ends up roundhouse kicking an NBA ref.

MUSTACHE > NO MUSTACHE. Brian VanGorder's policemanlike facial hair was wasted on the NFL, but, take heart - it's coming back to college football, this time as the defensive coordinator for Notre Dame. Are we suggesting BVG's stache will be running ND's defense, not the man himself? No. You are suggesting that, and we are merely agreeing emphatically.

AT LEAST IT WAS A SHORT TRIP. The AAC is withholding the $1.5 million payout Rutgers was due for playing in the Pinstripe Bowl, which means Rutgers just lost to Tommy Rees and doesn't even get to buy a new squat rack for its trouble. This is why Neuheisel always took his bowl payouts in cash right after the final whistle, people.

EXCELLENT WRAP UP TECHNIQUE. We're talking, of course, of that time when Jesse Palmer saved Chris Fowler from choking to death on a dry-ass chicken sandwich. Mark May would have just stared at Fowler and insisted that the sandwich didn't have any depth.

CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE. Not everything needs to be festooned with toilet paper, Auburn fans. (Also don't bring toilet paper with you to California. It's not late '80s Russia.)

ETC. NFL jobs are opening up, you say? Why, what a coincidence that we found this.