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THE TROLL'S GIFT-GIVING GUIDE

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SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE, EXCEPT AUBURN BECAUSE AIN'T NO GIFT BETTER THAN BLESSINGS

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Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports

As you're no doubt aware thanks to a barrage of last-minute emails from retailers, time is running out to buy Christmas gifts for your loved ones. But what about your enemies? Don't they deserve a little gift this year? Before the season slips away, find a last-minute item perfect for the object of your hatred:

1. "Bound 4 Victory" t-shirt, Washington State. Somehow this is still for sale; the only rational explanation is that the webmaster in charge of Wazzu's online store is still blacked out after watching the Cougin'est ending possible. BONUS: rub the shirt in Crisco before you package it. Sure is slippery, Washington State fan!

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2. "Love Is A Kick" record by Frank Sinatra, Alabama. WHY DON'T THE NCAA INVESTIGATE OL BLUE EYES FOR MOB CONNECTIONS, PAOOOOOWWWWWWL.

3. Dot-to-Dot Count to 20, Florida. It's boring, predictable, and has an upper limit that's embarrassingly low. This book IS the Florida Gator offense. (Please don't get this for Will Muschamp, as he'll give the puppy snaps out of the wildcat formation.)

4. Pizzeria Pronto Outdoor Pizza Oven, Ohio State. Your days of sad, mass-produced pizza eating are over, Buckeye fans! Now you can enjoy GOURMET sad pizza, with toppings of your own choosing! The Pizzeria Pronto Oven features a specially narrowed slot that is almost impossible to p-dammit, you've already pooped in it.

5. Three Month Calendar, Northwestern. Octo-what? Decem-who?Irrelevant to the Northwestern Wildcats, who finish the season a perfect 5-0!

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6. "Tommy," Notre Dame.

HE'S A FOOTBALL WIZARD
THERE'S GOT TO BE A TWIST
THAT FOOTBALL WIZARD
JUST GOT BEAT BY PITTTT

7. Inflatable Sumo Suit, Oregon. Who's undersized on both lines now, haters?

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8. The Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, Arkansas State. Girl, believe me. You need this more than you know.