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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/23/2013

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YOU'RE OFF THE CASE

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Otto Kitsinger III

THE CRIME OF THE CENTURY. Polygraph tests. Suspicious bodily fluids. An investigation cut short, leaving a possibly innocent man in the lurch. A balcony crime scene. Read Robert Ludlum's THE SOUTHWICK SUSPENSION today!

GO AHEAD, RUN. Run to the Army, Jeff Monken. Show us how scared you are to give Will Muschamp a rematch. QUITTER.

LET THE WOOING OF COACH O BEGIN. Winning an ex back is not an easy thing, USC, but Ed Orgeron might be swayed with a traditional Cajun love potion: 2 parts muscadine pulp, 3 parts persillade, 1 part night heron beak, a dash of kidnapped Fish and Wildlife Agent hair, and a bay leaf garnish.

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR. When the players all are free / Every coach you hear / Seems to say / "He's suspended / For possession of some weeeeeeeed"

OBLIGATORY. Bill Connelly is a good man and a hard worker, because he wrote an extensive preview of today's Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl for you. That's discipline, because we would have only given you a short list of things you should do other than the Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl, which would have included cleaning the gutters. (Those gutters need cleaning. You know it.)

ETC. Some Christmas music is awesome. Some is not.