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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/16/2013

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MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS, BUT IT CAN BUY SHOE INSERTS

John David Mercer-USA TODAY Spor

MAJOR COACHING NEWS. Yes, at long last, college football's most powerful institution* has made a change: Rich Ellerson is out as Army's coach.

*as measured by tons of ordnance**

**not including WVU, as "fridge full of bottle rockets and Mountain Dew" is not technically ordnance

YOU ARE POOR. That was true before Nick Saban got Alabama to pay him seven million dollars a year (without talking to Texas, he promises), and it will still be true when he gets Alabama to bump it to 8.5 next year after not-flirting with Detroit Lions.

AUDIBLE GAGGING NOISES. AJ McCarron plans to root for Auburn, and possibly even wear Auburn colors, and probably get a "MALZAHN SAVES" tattoo, and then go be an assistant at Auburn and tell 'em all Bama's secrets, including where they buried that first batch of android linemen that tried to rebel offense and stuff.

SNOOP'S REVENGE. USC running back Silas Redd will miss the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl (The Only Bowl That Is Also A Boone's Farm Flavor) with a lingering knee injury. Redd ends his college career without ever having played in a bowl victory, thanks to Penn State losses in the Outback Bowl and TicketCity Bowl and USC's loss in last year's Sun Bowl.

ETC. NO YOU TOOK HIM TOO SOON GIN LORD