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A HANDY GUIDE TO THE TEXAS POWER NETWORK

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HOW IT ALL WORKS IN AUSTIN, ILLUSTRATED

Ronald Martinez

You may be wondering just what in the hell is going on in Austin, and you are not alone. To say Texas politics is a savage game is cliché, but to deny the truth in that would be dumber than trying to put shit back in the bull. Will Muschamp would try doing just that, and that's one of a thousand reasons why he's not at Texas coaching football right now. (It's also a reason Will Muschamp is not allowed within fifty feet of livestock by court order. "THEY MESSIN' THE PLACE UP, THO!")

It is a complex, vicious ecosystem, and requires some serious orientation for those unfamiliar with its inner workings, or just where the head coach of the Texas Longhorns sits in all this. Thankfully, we've made you a map to explain just how complex it is, and who the major parties determining the future of Texas football are. (Click to embiggen.)

Texaspowerstructure_medium

Notes:

  • A Horse Named Wealth is perhaps the most important party in all Texas politics. Killed Kennedy for sassin' him
  • Pedi-cab Guy is so much more important than you will ever know.
  • Paul Wall is from Houston and did not attend UT. However, he recruited every player out of Houston from 2003--2007, and fell out with Mack Brown after the Texas coach refused the gift of a free grill from Wall. Currently third-wealthiest man in Texas.
  • No one's sure exactly how Lance Armstrong's aqueduct manager is involved, but trust us: he is.
  • Robert Earl Keen is also mysteriously important in Austin, though no one's exactly sure how.
  • Of course Dan Rather is tied to organized crime. OF COURSE.