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WHY FLORIDA SHOULD BEAT VANDERBILT

GET OUT OF MY DREAMS YOU TERRIFYING NAUTICAL ARISTOCRAT

By Spencer Hall
Don McPeak-US PRESSWIRE

Hatin' Ass Spurrier has been pushed to Monday to allow for SUPER SPICY POST-HATIN' on the weekend. In the meantime, we'd like to have a word with you about Vanderbilt, and the reasons Florida might really want to try hard and possibly even win a football game this weekend against them.

You'll get courted by AMAZING PLACES. Provided you win this game, you'll be the belle of the ball for at least four amazing American cities: Jacksonville (the East Lansing of North Florida,) Birmingham (the East Lansing of Alabama,) Memphis (the Memphis of Tennessee,) and Shreveport (The Ouagadougou of the United States.) There's an outside shot at the Music City in there, but if you wanted to be in Nashville you'd just be Vanderbilt Two, right? (Vanderbilt Two: It's Not A Tax Shelter no matter what John L. Smith says. You should probably stop taking financial advice from him.)

You'll get courted by Memphis. The only way anyone will ever mail you love in the form of ribs, most likely jammed directly into the mailbox in standard, non-insulated envelopes. Think of the flies as living representatives of Memphis' love for you, and for their unending devotion to doing things right.

You could help Pitt enjoy their fourth visit to Birmingham in a row. Or play Cincy, and redefine the death of football by seeing who gets to two points first. Or play Rutgers, and [ERROR EXE. REBOOT MESSG #289191118188]. Or play Iowa in the Gator Bowl and see if football can cause infertility through your television, or even help extend Northwestern's bowl streak against the SEC by losing to them after committing nine personal fouls in one game. There's real motivation here, is what we're saying, because these are all teams you should beat anyway, and gain nothing by winning or losing to in a meaningless bowl game. That's not really motivation but shut up shut up shut up you'll spoil the twist ending where we lose to Rutgers and make Arkansas feel better about themselves.

Tote bags! They're not a salary or even an increased stipend to cover a proper cost of living, but...TOTE BAG! Tote bag. (Please note: Shreveport tote bags will steal your credit card.)

IT'S VANDERBILT. Florida has not lost to Vanderbilt in twenty-two years, and needs this win AND a win against Georgia Southern to get bowl eligible, pick up a check it does not deserve, and get to the next exciting chapter of Will Muschamp's 1988 SEC Football For NES. Or lose, and guarantee a losing season for the first time since George H.W. Bush was President. We don't even care anymore. Win, lose, whatever. If the thought of going to beautiful Shreveport isn't motivation enough for you, well, Tim Brando would say that you're what's wrong with America, anyway.*

*If you wanted to go to Shreveport that'd be kind of wrong, too. So if you lose, well, we'll be charitable and assume you have good taste.