FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: OREGON AT STANFORD

NEBULOUS STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY

HOW DID YOU LOSE TO UTAH HOWWWWWWWW. Apologies, that just has to come up every time we look at 2013 Stanford, a team that blew realistic chances at a BCS title one strange night in Salt Lake City. Utah was informed that they had a ration of one conference win for the year, and because Kyle Whittingham eats all the non-perishable goods in the house first just like you would, he took his win that night and devoured it immediately. (Shouts out to everyone who eats the microwave dinners first, y'all.)

The great irony for Stanford is that the most intelligent national force in college football is the one that most proves an innumerate moron's points about the unreliability of stats. Their defense is second in total defensive efficiency, and yet has given up over 400 yards three times already. Their offense is actually better in total scoring offense than they were last year, but still looks ghastly at times.

Oregon is good at everything and is perfect. They should not lose this game, and should not have lost this game ever given Oregon's advantage in size, budget, recruiting, visibility, and overall statistical production. They have lost this game twice in the past four years, because numbers don't tell the whole story, nerdburger. <----WE DON'T BELIEVE THIS BUT SOMETIMES IT'S TRUE AND WE'LL NEVER ADMIT IT EXCEPT FOR THE TIME WE JUST DID.

ADVANTAGE: OREGON

OREGON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D

MASCOT

The game within the game that not enough people are talking about: the best matchup of two mascots on the planet, The Oregon Duck and the Stanford Tree. (Note: not Puddles, since that's the name of the original live duck mascot of the school, not The Duck, and certainly not whatever the blue fuck RoboDuck was.) The matchup is so unprecedentedly good, we need to resort to desperate measures

A SUBHEADER DEVOTED SOLELY TO MASCOT V. MASCOT

TREE: Has been arrested for public drunkenness AFTER IT WAS SEEN DRINKING FROM A FLASK DURING A GAME. IN 2006. Has been tackled, kidnapped, and has started, won, and lost fistfights. Has initiated multiple decapitations of Oski the Bear. Looks like this:

THE DUCK: Has been photographed drinking in public. Beat the shit out of the Houston Cougar in a very real fight. Will appear in any video Oregon students care to make, and drives a motorcycle onto the field. Eating disordered.

The only separation here? Degree of difficulty. It's pretty impressive to turn a duck into a popularly beloved mascot. It's damn near impossible to turn a tree into anything other than furniture, paper, or fire. (Please don't light the Tree on fire. As we indicated, he may have alcohol on his person. Treeson? Whatever.)

ADVANTAGE: Stanford

STANFORD, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D

AURA

It is strange to think that Stanford Stadium once hosted a Super Bowl, but the 1985 was a weird year for many of us, including Teri Hatcher, who was in attendance as a cheerleader for the 49ers. Later that year, Hatcher would make her debut television appearance on "The Love Boat." Also appearing in Hatcher's first episode? Phylicia Ayers-Allen. Who did Ayers-Allen get engaged to in 1985? Ahmad Rashad. Where did Mr. Rashad propose? During NBC's pregame show leading into a Thanksgiving game between the Jets and Lions. And who is the most famous Detroit Lions player ever?

Barry Sanders, father of Stanford running back Barry Sanders, Jr.

ADVANTAGE: Stanford

STANFORD, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D

NAMES

Stanford

Jarek Lancaster

Austin Tubbs

Torsten Rotto

Andrus Peat

Rollins Stallworth

Oregon

Bronson Yim

Stetzon Bair

Brigham Stoehr

Lane Roseberry

Pharaoh Brown

It was a valiant effort, Stanford, and against a different opponent maybe we would be talking about Andrus and Austin starring in a police procedural called "PEAT AND TUBBS: THICK COPS." But law enforcement didn't stop the pharaohs of old, and they sure as hell aren't winning this battle. Go sign linebacker Locust Firstborn and we'll reconsider.

ADVANTAGE: Oregon

OREGON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D

GRUDGES/SCORES TO SETTLE/SHEER CUSSEDNESS

Well...

...yeah.

ADVANTAGE: Oregon

OREGON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D

THE FINAL FACTOR READS OREGON 3, STANFORD 2. A close matchup, hopefully matching what we'll see tonight. Or just utter and total chaos. Something. Something will definitely happen in this game. Of that we are supremely confident.