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A TALE AS OLD AS TIME. Done to say the least/ yes a little tired/ but still worth your while/ Tecmo Bowl version of the Northwestern-Nebraska hail mary and the beaaaaaaaast...

We still don't know how Northwestern fans got off the floor Saturday. They might still be there, living like toddlers, feeding off the stray cheerios and toddler puffs life drops on the ground. (So, in other words, the life of a Northwestern football fan for most of eternity.

YOU COULD JUST GIVE WOUNDED WARRIOR $7.50. You know, if Northwestern's jerseys happen to bother you a little bit, what with the blood spatters and all. P.S. Blood is symbolic of Northwestern right now, not soldiers, and in fact belongs to Northwestern players.

RETURN OF THE MAC. It's back tonight, and the story of how it came to be #MACtion does include a cameo by us. A clothed cameo, mind you, unlike the full nude scene we did in the Craig James story.

DON'T SAY KIND THINGS ABOUT OHIO STATE. Also, don't say negative things. In fact, just don't mention Ohio State at all, because the sports internet has a shoehorn big enough to fit any college football argument into this particular "Shoe" LOL OMG FUCKKK STADIUM PUNS and we're going to go shoot ourselves now.

STEPDAD BROUGHT BURGERS!!!! There's something heartrending about watching Ed Orgeron buy young men food in exchange for loyalty.

Stepdad is trying hard. He is trying oh so very hard, and it's hard not to love him a little bit for this. It's like when Don Gately made terrible dinners for everyone at the Ennet House Rehab in Infinite Jest, a reference you will pretend to get because you TOTALLY read through all of Infinite Jest.

NEW FEI NUMBERS. They say what your eyeballs would also tell you after the Miami game: that Florida State is empirically awesome at football right now, and that Alabama is right behind them. (And thanks to their schedule, about to get the chance to retake FSU.)

ETC: Pornhub comments on stock photos is really the only other thing on the internet you need to read right now.