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"I WISH WE WERE SPRINTING, BUT WE'RE WALKING." That's Bret Bielema on the state of Arkansas football after getting doubled up by Auburn, or possibly discussing his disastrous efforts to become an Olympic track star at age 43. Do you want to read more about Bert's suffering, courtesy of Steven Godfrey? Of course you do.

SPONSOR THIS, HELLMANN'S. A Notre Dame-Purdue neutral site game? In Indianapolis? In a stadium with OIL in the damn name? MAKE THIS THE MAYONNAISE CLASSIC ALREADY.

OW OW OW OW. Star Miami running back Duke Johnson seems to be done for the year after suffering a gruesome ankle injury against Florida State, and yes this does mean Vanderbilt can somehow win the Coastal Division. The ACC is weird as hell like that. Football is a dangerous sport, and that's why we encourage you to put your kids into something more humane:

AWESOME TO THE INFINITY POWER. Gallaudet football, where the huddle was invented (you're welcome, Nick Saban), is now 8-0 in Division III after a crazy-ass blocked field goal returned for a game-winning touchdown, and yes we do have a new football team to call our own for the rest of the year BYE WILL MUSCHAMP BYYYYYYYE.

BCS ANALYSIS IS GOOD FOR YOUR DIGESTION. Come for the possibility of Fresno State ruining some AQ team's January, stay for the nightmare comedy act that is Richard Billingsley's computer results.

ETC. Wait wait we almost had Pastor Verne? You're just showing off now, Florida. The entire Nick Saban 60 Minutes piece is here, but the abbreviated version tells you all you need to know: