HATIN' ASS SPURRIER GIVES THANKS

First off, I'm thankful for patience, and so is Will Muschamp, even though he's drop-kicked a microwave for "not Easy-Mac'in right."

I'm also thankful for this belly putter, which ain't shaped like a cent sign like some people's. #karma

Lastly, wanna give thanks to the good folks at Gildan. Real big of them to give Dabo time off from modelin' grandma sweatshirts to coach football.

Course, this is a tough time for a lot of folks. Take FSU. You can't feed a family on a diet of Pitt beans and Wake Forest cardboard.

Be sure to reach out to those who are lonely over the holidays, like Urban Meyer's family and that one Miami fan.

My favorite Thanksgiving dish? Probably dinner rolls, since like Clemson they're flaky, have two "L"s, and burn like little Christmas trees when you put too much heat on 'em.

Did you know the Egg Bowl trophy was based on Mississippi's lone light bulb, and the winning school got to keep it for the year? Explains a lot about Starkville, doesn't it?

Never understood why they call it the Iron Bowl when Alabama's got so many still-thriving industries, like Failing Math and Pulling Over Black Drivers.

Totally think AJ McCarron belongs in the Heisman race. They only make you hold the trophy, not throw it.

It's a little known fact that no one fights harder than two graverobbers gettin' at the same corpse, so I guess that's why people say Michigan Ohio State is the greatest rivalry.

How do you know it's Thanksgiving in Louisiana? I'm asking.

No one's working, there's three days worth of fried food on the table, and someone's uncle's out back smoking a turkey in the meth shed. That's not Thanksgiving. That's Thursday.

Stanford-Notre Dame isn't just a rivalry game, it's a long-term scientific study on how exposure to sunlight affects virgins.

I'm sure Baylor recovered from their loss as most Baptists do: cramming their face with leftover steak fingers while thinking "THAT BITCH IS GOING TO HELL AND I'M NOT" while watching reruns of "Nashville."

At least you didn't lose to those bastards at the Church of Christ, Bears.

I bet UVA would win more if it was just the Wealth Cup.

In Arkansas, Thanksgiving is a celebration of the time the Pilgrims had as many SEC wins at Arkansas as they did: zero.

I'd compare Georgia-Georgia Tech to a homeowners association meeting, but a homeowners association meeting could at least in theory have national championship implications.

Hutson Mason. You about to get asswhipped by goddamn accounting firm, Yellow Jackets.

Johnny Football gets to play his last regular season game in Mizzou, which IS kind of like Jimi Hendrix getting to play his last show in Branson.

Did you know the Territorial Cup's the oldest trophy in college football? Assuming you don't count that musket Bill Snyder stole from Lord Cornwallis.

I'd never play 18 with Todd Graham because I'm pretty sure he'd shit in a bunker like a cat and not admit it.

Pubic lice are almost extinct thanks to waxing, so don't say UCLA/USC never did anything for the world.

The winner of Purdue-Indiana gets the Old Oaken Bucket. You use it to drown yourself rather than continue living in Indiana.