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BLATANT HOMERISM: GEORGIA SOUTHERN

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IN THE BEGINNING IT IS ALWAYS DARK

Michael Chang

[A ROAR, THEN NOTHING.]

Albert: Why is it so dark?

Empress Swampchild: In the beginning it is always dark.

Albert_252520moonchild_jpg_medium

Albert: What is that? Molly?

Empress Swampchild: No. It is one grain of sand. It is all that remains of my vast empire.

Albert: Football has totally disappeared?

Empress Swampchild: Yes.

Albert: Then everything has been in vain.

Empress Swampchild: No, it hasn't. Football can arise in you. In your dreams and wishes, Albert.

Albert: How?

Empress Swampchild: Open your hand.

She places the last remaining grain of football in his hands.

Empress Swampchild: What are you going to wish for ?

Albert: A Call of Duty edition Jeep Wrangler.

Empress Swampchild: [blank stare]

Albert: Sorry. It's been a long season. Shit, I don't know.

Empress Swampchild: Then there will be no Football any more.

Albert: How many wishes do I get?

Empress Swampchild: As many as you want. And the more wishes you make, the more magnificent Football will become.

Albert: Really?

Empress Swampchild: Try it.

Albert: Then my first wish is...

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[soaring Giorgio Moroder music]

Percy Harv-cor: Do you like it, Albert?

Albert: PERCY, IT'S BEAUTIFUL! THERE IS A TOUCHDOWN OVER THERE!

Percy Harv-cor: More than one of them!

Albert: And look! Completed pass! And a game without personal fouls! HELLO GAME WITHOUT PERSONAL FOULS!

Percy Harv-cor: ROAAAAAAARRGGHHHH----

[the scene goes black]

[Albert wakes up in his squalid bedroom. He checks his phone.]

Albert: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.