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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/11/2013

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THAT'S RIGHT WE SAID UNDEFEATED ONLY GETS YOU A ROSE BOWL BERTH AND A FREE APPETIZER

Sandra Dukes-USA TODAY Sports

CONTROVERSY. There, um, really isn't any left in the BCS race, which is a shame for those of us hoping for Baylor-Alabama just so we can see how many touchdowns it takes to make all Nick Saban's hair fall out at once. Please note: it is not your fault your opponents stink, Ohio State, but stink they do, and that is Brady Hoke's greatest revenge.

SHITBIRD FOOTBALL. This was one colorful phrase of many in the audio recording that led to Ron English's untimely demise at Eastern Michigan (other than that whole 11-46 record thing). It is possible that English meant this not as an insult but as a proposed new mascot, and yes we would like to see a recruit announce that he's decided to be a Shitbird.

BOY THOSE DUKE BOYS SURE WERE IN A PICKLE. Down late at home against NC State? Now how are they ever gonna get outta this bucket of molasses? SQUEE DOP DOODLE DOP BWAAAAAANG.

A TEXAS UPDATE THAT DOESN'T MENTION NICK SABAN. Starters Johnathan Gray and Chris Whaley are out for the rest of the season after suffering injuries against West Virginia, and depth wouldn't be a problem for the Longhorns if they just gave $80 million to Nick Saba-shit, we failed.

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS CAN WORK. Phil Knight's free to strut around in Bama gear, and Oregon is allowed to take money from Derek Fila and Horatio Starter. (Horatio Starter actually doesn't have any money to give you but is wondering if he can crash on your couch for a week or so, Oregon.)

ETC. A special Veterans Day thank you to all who serve or have served, and an extra tablespoon of whiskey for this gentleman in particular.