HATIN' ASS SPURRIER SALUTES CONDI RICE

Hatin' Ass Spurrier is late and a bit brief, mostly because your daddy takes forever to detail the OBC's car.

Y'all need to back off of Mack Brown. He ain't the first person to pay good money to watch someone else get screwed in front of him. Though he is the first to do it in Ames.

No man can be a god. But bring enough toilet paper and airplane bottles of schnapps to Ames, and you can get dang close to it.

Good to see the service academies get to play this weekend. That's valuable experience for our future troops, especially Army. Boston College's coach has seen some combat, I tell you what.

Alabama beatin' up on Georgia State sure makes up some ground in that old Georgia/Alabama interstate rivalry. Hope that Hyundai plant and the Black Cat fireworks outlet snuggle up real nice at night, Yellowhammer State.

The UAB dragon is based on Birmingham's most abundant species of firefly: the stray dog on fire.

She's busy, but I'm sure if Condi Rice is stuck for who to put in a playoff she'll just hook a random Afghan cabbie up to a car battery until he makes a few good suggestions. Hope you like Michigan State playing itself three times in a row because the point of torture is torture, ain't it?

"They'll know stuff about something because they were born in Tuscaloosa." You do hear new things every day, dontcha?

Maryland needs to watch out for this Jameis Winston kid. He looks good, and I mean "backup point guard for the Knicks" good.

Hardest part about hosting a night game against Arkansas is getting them to put out their torches at the gate. Otherwise fine people.

This Michigan State-Iowa game is what happens when you don't give condoms to the 4-H kids.

Not my business if Alabama wants to schedule soft out of conference opponents like Georgia State. Those FCS schools need the money, even if Auburn ends up spending it all on Dr. Thunder and Sudafed.

Ohio-Akron features two people who were pushed out of jobs unfairly early: Frank Solich, and Muffin, the former police dog who now has to taste all of Terry Bowden's food for poison.

I'm not saying it's happened, but Todd Grantham's definitely been in church, looked up at the crucifix, and thought "I could pin Him in six seconds."

I hope no country's got their currency pegged to incompletions, because Washington State-Cal is about to turn your economy Argentine.

You're gonna want to watch some of UCF-Memphis, if only to say you saw the largest assembled crowd of Future Red Lobster Managers Fired For Bringing A Machete To Work.

Tommy Tuberville left the Big 12 to voluntarily play USF every year, because the symptoms of dementia are brutal.

Bret Bielema's done Spring Break Kosovo, so I don't think the Swamp's gonna bother him that much.

You bet I'm already puttin' a dry rub of eleven spices on my butthole. I like to already know how it tastes instead of askin', Dabo.

How's that Kiffin kid doin' in LA?