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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 10/31/2013

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I WAS GONNA KEEP COACHING YOUR TEAM BUT THEN I GOT HIGH

Eric Francis

CARL PELINI HAS A MASTERS IN JOURNALISM AND A BACHELOR'S IN ENGLISH LITERATURE.

He really does, and he'll now return their several dollars of value to the job market because he is now unemployed, having resigned after FAU's AD confronted him with an accusation of illegal drug use. The drug in question is allegedly marijuana, which is legal in two states, and has never been smoked by any other person in the coaching profession ever. FAU can now search for a new head coach while considering whether or not to pursue potential reclamation of salary in the form of damages from Pelini. Oh, and FAU gets to skip the buyout portion of the deal because his contract includes firing for things like admission of drug use, and Carl's got some very large bills to pay in the meantime. There are 904 pages of Middlemarch, and right now Carl Pelini has time to read them all.

"I'M NOT SURE HOW HE GOT MY CELL NUMBER." Like Houston Nutt isn't the bootleg NSA already. The idea of Houston Nutt at Connecticut is the finest thing we've heard in a while because it means a higher probability of this moment happening at one point in life:

"Martha Stewart, this is Houston Beauregard Divot Dale Rite-Aid Nutt."

"Pleased to meet you, ma'am. Where's the shitter?"

#HoustonNutt4Everything

WE'RE MORE INJURED! The Florida/Georgia game will be less watchable than Cincinnati at Memphis, and we will watch both because you only get so many days in this life to cram your face full of terrible football.

EVERY INTERNET WRITER IS QUOTED HERE AND IT IS GLORIOUS. Baylor gets the SAAAIIIIIIIILLLLL treatment and you know it's coming and who cares, because POINTS POINTS POINTS POINTS. In other Baylor news the tarp is dead, and is probably going to be ceremonially incinerated once Baylor reaches fifty points on the Oklahoma defense.

IT'S NOT THE SAME WITHOUT JOHNNY. But on a day when everyone's costume is "Sexy Costume Goes Here," it'll do.

A VICTORY FOR AUBURN AND ART. Those words have literally never been typed before, but all we do is bravely create new firsts for the sporting blogosphere.

ETC: Abandoned Australian brothels seem like fine real estate investment opportunities. A courtroom sketch of Guy Fieriwill someday sell for millions. VENUS IS THE MOST METAL PLANET. "We have a lot of stupid people here."