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PINK EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN'T LOSE BECAUSE YOU'RE ON A BYE WEEK. Ole Miss has its elementary school epidemics on this week.

That's what you don't get by being the state's agricultural school: the frequent mass immunizations done for the whole herd, cow and man alike, at State. Another cause: the entire Ole Miss football team sleeping in the same huge bed, and getting tucked in each night personally by Hugh Freeze, though not before an important lesson about counting, and perhaps a stolen extra lesson about not jumping or falling out of the bed. Good night, Dr. Bo. Good night, Mike Marry. Good night, Colonel Reb. [Colonel Reb says a muffled good night, since he sleeps in a padlocked foot locker under the bed.]

ANONYMOUS PERSON HAS STRONG OPINIONS. A former Oregon football player published an anonymous letter accusing Oregon fans of being horrible people, and that they could go fuck themselves, and that football players' lives are a lot like Spartacus. The first two provide valuable perspective on what it's like to be a student athlete, and the third suggests that life in the Oregon football program involves a shitload of full frontal nudity and sex with the noble ladies of Oregon.

BETTER DRINK YOUR OWN PISS. We mean, said you'd do it, and it hasn't killed Bear Grills or Lou Holtz yet. Holtz does it twice monthly, and swears it kept Woody Hayes alive a lot longer than a man with that much rage should have lived.

NICK SABAN WILL NEVER RETWEET YOU. Because he will never be on Twitter, because Tweetdeck is all the way up on the top shelf at the app store.

OH GOD THE SEC EAST. Look at the grim possibilities if you dare.

TAILGATE! It's extra spooky this week, appropriately so because the Aggies are playing UTEP, one of the few teams capable of bringing both their own bats AND corpses to the game. Oh, jokes about drug violence: you're funny because you're so painfully true, and will be until Mike Price seizes full harmonious control of the Zetas.

IT'S COMING. That's ATVS watching Jake the Snake to get ready for the Alabama game but last year's video is still enough for us until the LSU video crew makes another masterpiece.

THE MOST SHAMEFUL THING POSSIBLE. As always the Onion is our only reliable news source.

ETC: This sort of explains what Twitter's doing.