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THE ULTIMATE LSU DESTROYS THE UNIVERSE HYPOTHETICAL

LES MILES SAYS DRAW FOUR, BUDDY

By Spencer Hall

Consider the following absurd yet entirely probable scenario:

  1. LSU beats Alabama on November 9th, and gives the Crimson Tide its first loss of the year.
  2. LSU then wins out, and finishes their schedule with one loss in the SEC West, and one loss to Georgia. (A loss that in retrospect should feel about eight thousand times more painful now than it was in the moment.
  3. LSU will probably have to dodge Johnny Manziel's second GAME OF HIS LIFETIME OF THE YEAR, but whatever. They win out. This is a hypothetical, and if you don't like hypotheticals go be Roald Dull, author of Lames and the Giant Bitch somewhere else.
  4. This is where it gets weird. (Weirder than it already is, but still.) Auburn botches the game against Georgia and loses, but then rebounds with a furious Iron Bowl and somehow beats Alabama.
  5. This leaves everyone in the SEC West with two losses. LSU would have the tiebreaker over Alabama and Auburn, and is the SEC West representative. Classic Les Miles, you say? Oh, not a true classic yet.
  6. THEN LSU TAKES ALL THAT GOODWILL AND INCINERATES IT BY LOSING A STUNNER TO MISSOURI IN THE SEC TITLE GAME.
  7. Florida State, Oregon, Baylor, and/or Ohio State all finish undefeated.

It's the ultimate Draw Four Wild Card for the SEC. Everyone eats two losses, Mizzou wins the SEC title with one loss, and finally a non-SEC BCS title game emerges. It's peeing in the hot tub at its finest and most grandiose, but we ask you: if Auburn and Les Miles can't do it, who among us can?*

*No one, it's pretty much a script written for them and only them, and the movie does not get made without them.