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Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

WE ALL HAVE THIS FRIEND. That friend who talks a lot of shit to strangers at a bar or at a game or somewhere else where trouble and fighting is waiting for those who seek it out. That friend who, despite said shit talking, is not ready or willing to actually throw down, meaning you'll be the one taking a knee to the ribs. (Stereotypically, this friend is female, but men are just as capable of this.) Bob Stoops is that friend for you, Big 12, and he's calling the SEC a fat-ass no defense-having ugly bitch. NOW GO GET 'EM, BAYLOR.

FOOTBALL > LEGISLATURES. A fact that was true before the most recent round of Washington unpleasantness, but even more so now that the service academies refuse to be held back by Congress's weak-ass defense. Congress: It's Even Worse Than FIU.

NO NONSENSE. Nick Saban has suspended valued safety HaHa Clinton-Dix for an unspecified violation of team rules, because discipline matters to Nick Saban, even when his team is playing Georgia State, which we assume is some unholy amalgam of Georgia and Florida State. That's bold leadership. (And weird metallurgy, but, well.)

PONCHO TIME. FIU (which, again, is still better than Congress) stinks. Southern Miss has the longest active losing streak. What could make this sad matchup even sadder? NAAAAAATURE.

NOW YOU DON'T GET TO SEE "HAIR." Say what you will about local theatre, Ole Miss players, but they scored as many points against Bama as you did.

ETC. Pero donde esta Huell? I think you just found a new athletic director, Texas.