THIS PUMPKIN STOLE YOUR GIRLFRIEND

Kliff Kingsbury in human form has done a lot in his 34 years - set numerous records at Texas Tech, finished in the top ten in Heisman voting, played in the NFL AND NFL Europe, and, you know, that whole advanced from quality control at Houston to head coach at his alma mater within five years.

Impressive, certainly. And yet it all pales in comparison to what Kliff Kingsbury, Jack-o'-Lantern King, has done just this week:

• Drove a PT Cruiser and looked awesome doing it
• Learned French, then promptly unlearned it because America comes first
• Made the most delicious meatloaf you've ever had
• Not that dry, mealy bullshit
• Seriously, I don't even generally like meatloaf and this was outstanding
• Solved a centuries-old mystery just because he was bored. Rest easy, family of murdered pilgrim Richard Britteridge.
• Made several key edits to "Surf Ninjas," which is now the most moving film you've ever seen
• Mixed doubles tennis title
• Refinanced Bob Stoops's mortgage to 3.5%, with a hidden clause that bumps it to 75% if Oklahoma loses a bowl game to Tulane
• Did all of the above a second time, but fakie