HATIN' ASS SPURRIER IS HAPPY TO SPONSOR YOU, GARY PINKEL

Don't worry, Gary Pinkel. I had an alcohol problem once, and I beat that sucker. Thank goodness the police never found Rex Grossman to be credible.

I don't understand Bo Pelini. Watch him and Jerry Kill this weekend and tell me which one YOU think has the seizure problem.

Wake Forest is the money laundering operation Miami wishes it was, and Jim Grobe is its washwoman.

The Third Saturday in October is a special rivalry because a two dollar bet on diabetes over the Vols and Tide will cover your range ball budget for the rest of the year.

Tennessee-Bama's one of the most storied rivalries in the SEC, but it's not the oldest or the most interesting. Go Google "Adult Literacy 6, Crimson Tide 0 1904" if you don't believe me.

Hey, Nick. You wanna keep Alabama students in the stands? I KNOW y'all have police dogs.

UConn's interim coach is a bag of Bear Naked Granola in a Martha Stewart Living Bowl and he's doing a heckuva job in a tough spot.

When you step out on that field in Norman, take a good look at your opponent, Kliff Kingsbury. Bob Stoops used to be a model, and look at what 14 Big 12 years did to him. A SkyMall model, but still.

Missouri's state bird is the bluebird. I guess that matches cholera.

South Florida is 2-0 in the American Conference, which by NCAA rule qualifies it as a Superfund site.

The last time I heard, "Pittsburgh-Navy," a frantic Houston Nutt was describing the color of his bowel movements to me during a recruiting trip in Hyderabad.

Missouri's state animal is a mule, which is just there because it's got warrants in Tennessee.

Fake soldiers, fake sailors, and real unblocked penetration for four hours. "Key West Pride Weekend or Texas A&M/Vandy" is the weirdest damn car trip game ever.

Mike London's entire coaching career is a long sting operation, and when he arrests Zombie Thomas Jefferson as the coke baron of northern Virginia, he'll laugh last.

Congratulations on your impending SEC East title that leads to a loss in Atlanta. You're Mark Richt without the Just For Men, Gary Pinkel.

You know that feeling of abject sadness you get when you walk into a convalescence home? Anyways, glad to hear Tommy Rees is healthy.

Looking forward to Greg Schiano coming back to Rutgers this weekend.

Ain't watching Miami-Ohio versus Ohio. Jerri's cat will watch it, though, because he's violent and unemployed, and likes company. That much Ohio in one game would turn anything watching it into a sweatshirt.

It was a tough loss to be sure, Charlie Strong, but beatin' up the sickly in Tampa isn't going to make you feel better, even if it is the city's main tourism attraction.

Maryland's gonna benefit from climate change. Ain't a species of turtle that lays an egg underwater.

Jimbo Fisher's on top in Tallahassee, and if history has taught us anything, that means Jameis Winston is probably a Medicaid scam.

"That's alright, that's okay, you'll all work for us someday until you shoot us with hunting bows in our sleep." Weird cheer, Duke, but it IS Virginia Tech week, I guess.

Ron Turner really makes you see the wisdom in China's one child policy, but then you remember we'd still have Skip Holtz.

Y'all named another city after Kansas. I'm from Tennessee. If we named a town "Alabama City," it'd be because that's where we keep the C.H.U.D.s and expired pills.

Illinois had a great start to their season, but Mussolini had a lead once, too.

Penn State-Ohio State is gonna be the highest rated Nancy Grace show ever.

Always found that UTEP job intriguing. Fun and guns? That's El Paso in a nutshell.

If kidney beans were an illegal drug, Missouri fans would be MS-13.

Missouri controls its SEC East destiny, so don't be surprised when the SEC East crosses the median and ends up wrapped around a phone pole.

Oklahoma State's playing to get bowl eligible, though if you ask Sports Illustrated they're still two wins from free vaporizers.

LSU playing Furman? Gonna be enough trampled purple meat on that field at the end to make Grimaceburgers.

I can understand why Oregon's mad about getting jumped by Florida State, but that prosecutor's never gonna file charges. (It's because all that neon makes you look European.)

Good to see Ed Orgeron bringing back the tradition of Traveler leading the LAPD on a pregame police chase to the Coliseum.

Got a lot of respect for Maty Mauk and his hardscrabble upbringin. Terrible thing to have to pawn one of your consonants just to put food on the table.

Must be hard to have the same name as an affordable Indian subcompact car, but Bangalore had the name first.

John Brown was from Kansas and believed he was God's Wrath, but he didn't get the chance to meet Art Briles, did he?

Would feel a lot better if Texas stopped starting "Bag of Platinum Bars" at defensive tackle just to show off.

If you didn't want to see a man in an owl costume trying to tongue-kiss an eagle, you shouldn't have invited Carl Pelini over for dinner, Auburn.

I'll admit Mizzou has the superior Columbia in the SEC, if only because you haven't had anyone paralyzed by random gunfire this month.

Colorado State playing Hawaii is a drug front.

I don't believe in the Rapture. But if having tribal armband tats kept you from getting in on it, all we'd have left on the earth was everyone at Fresno/ San Diego State.

Kids refusing to go to bed at a reasonable hour? Make 'em watch an 11 PM Cal game. Won't stay up past sunset for a solid year.

These damn Pac 12 games are so late you'd think they had sex with Shawn Kemp.

St. Louis has some great neighborhoods, like cancer and baseball.