THE CURIOUS INDEX, 10/2/2013

STEVE SOUNDS...SLEEPY? YES, SLEEPY. It must have been a long night, or perhaps George O'Leary challenged the OBC to a game of Battleshots, and no one turns down a challenge from the Horsetoothed Strawberry himself. Whatever it is, Steve Spurrier around the 12:00 mark sounds less than exact on the audibles.

To be fair, he could just be hoarse, and recovering from dental surgery, or have a neurological condition. Have we told you the story of how we accused a commentator of being drunk jokingly, only to find out he was actually suffering from a very bad and incurable neurological disease? Oh, internet, your pleasures know no end.

THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE IS ON POINT. Because LSU fans do smell like bourbon, not corn dogs.

JAMES FRANKLIN, YOUR AGGRO PROFESSOR X. James would like to be able to read minds, while Johnny Manziel would like blip-style teleportation, and Les Miles would want to be able to transfer his superpowers to his players. This means Les Miles' ideal superpower is to pick the ability to transfer superpowers which he does not have, which is kind of half-brilliant, half-idiot, and now we're just back to the mystery of being Les Miles all over again.

HE NEVER HAD A CHANCE. Bill's poring over the stats from this weekend, and it turns out poor Tommy Rees never had a chance once Oklahoma decided to have a pass rush.

THEY NEVER HAD A CHANCE. LSU's defense is allowing over 400 yards of offense pretty frequently, and certainly LSU fans won't notice that at all and NOPE they're livid already.

NO ONE HAS A CHANCE NOW. The Ohio State University PD now has an IED-proof military vehicle, but is removing the gun turret. That's foolish when they could just distract rioters by spraying beer into the gutters for easy drinking.

PROBLEM WITH THIS USC LAWNMOWER? AIN'T GOT NO GAS IN IT. If you've thought it for years but couldn't quite put your finger on it, here's someone who matched Ed Orgeron with Carl from Sling Blade for you.

LET'S DO IT THIS WAY. There are some disadvantages to the D-3 model, but unlimited rosters? Oh, let's bring back those 300 strong Pitt sidelines, Jackie Sherrill.

ETC: Oh look, EDSBS just takin' over Slate now. This is the gift you give to let your family members know just how much you want them to be sucked into a drainpipe and never surface alive. Sounds like someone needs to practice 10,000 hours of loving themselves, Malcolm. CAT WRITER WANTED. This does have a picture of boobs, but it is a great piece on the mystique of the Clermont. BEST GTA 5 CHASE EVER.