HATIN' ASS SPURRIER

I tell you, people in the SEC don't give Missouri enough credit. Abandoned Garment Factory's done a helluva job at linebacker for 'em.

Unlike a lot of people I don't hope George O'Leary gets his face kicked in by a donkey. Mostly because I'd hate to see him get his looks improved.

Kliff Kingsbury's not the first coach to go 6-0 in capri pants, but Chuck Amato never did have a good sense of what fit him.

Georgia-Vanderbilt is just what it sounds like: a beautiful Southern woman with a terrible secret. (She's actually Maryland.)

SMU's gonna play Memphis which could be a bit awkward because June Jones has kids in Memphis he doesn't talk to. They're goats who run the garbage collection there after June left them there on a recruiting trip. He's a terrible pet owner and a shit golfer. Tell him I said that. And a shit golfer. Tell him I said that, too.

You ever wonder if Tommy Tuberville's the Daytona Beach Killer? And if winding up in Cincinnati ain't all the punishment he needs? I don't.

Between grief and nothingness, you'd still take either over Purdue. Eat my shorts, Faulkner.

Purdue-Michigan State? No wonder all those asbestos lawyers are still in business.

I think y'all gotta be more patient with Coach Muschamp. You can't really judge a caribou until it's had three full recruiting classes.

Auburn-Texas A&M is a bunch of religious zealots versus a paramilitary organization. You finally won, Ollie North.

Mike Gundy works for a billionaire madman in wasteland devoid of talent. Seems familiar enough to me.

Gary Patterson's a shining example of what the disabled can do with the right support.

A Bob Stoops-Charlie Weis game is gonna end with more players thrown under a bus than a Woody Hayes Christmas party. Never did figure out what about the holidays made Woody so bloodlusty.

BYU and all those old guys with kids should be fine in Houston, since every Whataburger doubles as an unlicensed but clean day care.

Akron-Miami's the perfect game for the state of Ohio: a fat man and a man about to lose his job fighting over somethin' worthless.

I tell ya, Kirk Ferentz could upset Ohio State. You don't go to that many Outback Bowls without building up some weird immunities.

Since WVU and Texas Tech been fightin' over him, I'll just remind you that John Denver died in a fiery plane crash. Buddy Holly says he's yours, Texas Tech.

That Jim Grobe's like a wood tick: hard to get rid of and half of him's still buried in Jimbo Fisher's neck.

Only makes sense that Notre Dame's a Roman Catholic institution, since Ed Orgeron's half-Ostrogoth on his mother's side.

Why the hell's Todd Graham always wearin' those dang wristbands? It ain't Wonder Woman cosplay unless you put on the unitard, son.

I think Hugh Freeze's devotion to his faith is gonna be tested once Les Miles starts calling plays in Aramaic.

Think it's brave for a person of color to go to Alabama, so good on ya, Bret Bielema

The good news is that campus police won't look at you as the prime suspect after you break into that candy machine.

I'll give you a dollar to find a car without one of those family profile stickers on it at Clemson/Florida state. (Doesn't count if the dad stick figure is violating a court order.)

Notre Dame-USC is a traditional rivalry, in that one of the ingredients is a shitload of cream of mushroom soup.

People are gonna tell Art Briles he's gotta slow down, but Rick Pitino just won a national title, so what's that tell ya?

Always exciting to see a FSU-Clemson matchup where the winner's likely to beat Fresno State 20-6 in the Orange Bowl.

That's gotta suck. I'm not making fun of Notre Dame and USC, because paying private school tuition for public school decision making ain't fun for anyone.

There's three stars on the Tennessee flag to represent the average rating of a Vols recruit, and, believe me, they're rounding up.

Wonder if the University's still payin' the rent on Lane's sidepiece pad downtown? Am I not supposed to talk about that? Hellfire I'm not.

There's a lot of ways to get saltwater taffy out of your hair, and Derek Dooley's secretary knew every last one of 'em, bless her heart.

Always been impressed by the Vol Navy, even if they did lose to the Italians in '39.

You can tailgate by boat at Tennessee, which is important because state law forbids extradition off pontoon boats and inner tubes. (CC: Bill Haslam)

Some folks talk about lurin' Phil Fulmer back to fix the program, but I'm tellin' ya: you can't fit that much Crisco in a bear trap.

You can also bring your dog to Dollywood. Finally, Nick Saban and Paul Finebaum can go to a theme park together, long as Paul stays on that leash.

Tennessee's almost beat a few good teams the last couple years. But almost only counts in Horseshoes and Hand Grenades, the names of each house in the Tennessee Legislature.

They say our prisons are overcrowded, but I've seen Neyland Stadium in the 4th quarter and there's room to spare.

Tennessee Football is like Phil Fulmer's toes: gross, beyond repair, and I'm glad he can't see 'em.

You'd call me crazy if I taped a nine-iron to a geriatric bull and let it loose on a golf course. But let Phil Fulmer play Augusta and suddenly we're all cool with it.

I grew up in Tennessee, so I can say this with certainty: the school lunches are all discarded umbilical cords.

Crop 'em out in the family photos all you like, Tennessee. I know Memphis is in the family whether you want me to or not.

Never ask a Tennessean if they're missing some teeth. They've found a few, and are looking for more and wonderin' if you're donatin'.

What Tennessee needs is a coach who can beat Florida, and that's why the Body Farm is working hard to resurrect Andrew Jackson.

They hanged an elephant for murder there once. Nick Saban's gonna get away with this round for a while, though.
NO JUSTICE.

I know how the Scopes Trial turned out, but you look at the last ten years of Tennessee football and tell me evolution is real.

Remember that the government refines nuclear stuff in Oak Ridge as part of a state plot to get all the smart people in the state in one place and then kill them.

Two things glow in the dark in Tennessee: Oak Ridge, and Juicy J's penis. One's a feature, and the other is well, a feature.

Johnny Majors is a great source of energy for this Tennessee program, and has been for years. Burns clean provided he's drinking on an empty stomach.

Oh come on, Neyland was only a Brigadier General. That's like the exit row upgrade of military ranks.

Did you know the Neyland endzones are checkerboards because chess is illegal in the state? Something about the knights and rooks standing "un-Christianly close together."

Pilot is the biggest donor to the Tennessee program, which is why Hispanics pay a 3% service charge at the door.