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BILL C. GOT THAT KNOWLEDGE. Why could Clemson win? Why could Florida State win? Why won't it matter because either one will end up losing to Virginia Tech in the ACC Championship Game, ushering in another 10 years of Frank Beamer, King Of The Sleeper Hold? Bill C. has answers to many of these questions, but not the last, because shhh shhhhhhh Frank Beamer has you now.

FREEZUS. You're losing the recruiting battle, Dan Mullen, because Hugh Freeze spits hot fire. Get it together and drop a mixtape with Kendrick Lamar before it's too late.

INFRARED IS NEXT. Oh, sure, Oregon. It's "to raise money for cancer research." As if this isn't an obvious attempt to move on the entire spectrum of visible light. The uniform line will be drawn somewhere, Phil Knight, and it will be when you try to incorporate odor into the jerseys. (Though those blueberry Pro-Combats will remind me of childhood.)

OH NO. This will not end well, and by that we mean some Clemson fan is going to try to have a set of car speakers installed in his abdomen. Please spring for the good tweeters, Dabo. Don't put all your money into the woofer.

DEFINITELY OH NO. Things are turning very ugly at Grambling, and why yes Lane Kiffin is available funny you should notice!

ETC. The South Park dudes are looking ooooooold. And you thought the Morrissey book would be unreadable! This is why rats make terrible public school teachers.