HATIN' ASS SPURRIER FRIES ONE UP FOR MACK BROWN

South Florida-UConn is so boring Kenny Chesney would just get confused and wear a fez to the game.

Memphis plays Houston and the winner doesn't get a functional city. Neither does the loser! Funny rivalry, there.

You think Stanford has a lot of bodies, and then you imagine what's in Kyle Whittingham's crawlspace.

It's not gonna change the outcome in their favor, but I think Kentucky should be nice and lower the rim to eight feet for Nick Saban. Hey, I think he grazed the net!

I don't criticize my successors at Florida. But I bet Will Muschamp's been to jail after an argument he had with Siri.

I bet Huntley Johnson got Siri to drop the charges for $16,000, too.

Note to Michigan State: if you can't even score with someone from Indiana, you might want to think about joining the Carmelites.

Gary Pinkel is some mortician's greatest challenge just waiting to happen.

Nebraska has the best fans in college football. Just ask 'em, preferably while dodging a fresh hog's head thrown from row 40.

Nebraska-Purdue is a classic matchup of a team that hasn't been good since the 90s and has to take whatever sad-sack coach they can scrounge up, and Purdue.

Can't wait to see the look on Dabo's face after he beats Boston College and says "Now you gotta come play 'More Than A Feeling' at my birthday party!"

The handshake at the end of TCU-Kansas is gonna look like somebody made a white supremacist version of The Nutty Professor.

Northwestern-Wisconsin also happens to be where Phil Fulmer buried all that turkey pepperoni for the end times.

You sure Virginia-Maryland ain't a trick field trip? Oh, right - Locksley's not allowed at Colonial Williamsburg ever since he kicked a tinsmith in the head.

Y'ever wondered what a photocopied scrotum looks like? FOIA Bret Bielema's records and find out.

Y'all keep saying Arkansas's not that new to the conference, but a high school freshman who's been held back 27 years ain't a senior now is he?

Bret Bielema's got an Iowa tattoo on his leg because that's the part that's really 100% hormone-free ham.

It's amazing there was land too shitty for Missouri to claim, but there Arkansas sits all the same.

You know the highest point in Arkansas is Magazine Mountain, named after the longest thing anyone in the state's ever read? Besides all them Duck Dynasty books, of course.

Think about this: Memphis is where you go to get away from Arkansas. Fear is a real thing and it changes lives every day.

Tell Frank Broyles that Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon didn't even know they were breaking into his house, okay? CALL OFF THE DOGS, CURSEMASTER.

True Grit's the greatest Arkansas story because it celebrates an important moment in an Arkansan's life: watching your daddy get murdered on a horse.

Glad to see Oregon and Washington playing during daylight hours. Puffy paint just don't have the same pop under the lights.

Todd Graham's gonna find out if you can get a title loan on a buffalo this weekend. (It's Arizona: you can, as long as it has papers and they don't think it's a weird burro.)

Y'all know that from 1989 to 2009, only one person spent more than ten years on the FBI's Most Wanted List without gettin' caught? Houston Nutt has a job on TV and eats his meals as a free man. These two things might be related.

If I wanted to watch nerds die in a vacuum, I'd just watch Gravity. So no, I ain't watching Georgia Tech at BYU.

Paul Johnson won't be the first settler to wander into Mormon country and wind up dead, but he will be the gristliest.

It's all clicking for Baylor right now, but then you wake up in a dentist's chair with Bill Snyder asking you "Is it safe?" over and over again.

Kinda hard to argue marriage should only be between a man and a woman when Syracuse-NC State is a conference game.

Interesting matchup with Bowling Green headed to Mississippi State. Should be fun for that crowd to see an SEC coach for once.

They call it the Red River Rivalry because Mack Brown's as stubborn as the Pharaoh and slightly richer.

Hope Mack Brown doesn't buy any green bananas. He might lose his job soon, and his bowels are a sensitive as a German seismograph.

Lane Kiffin's gonna be a great addition to GameDay. Unpaid internships really open up whole worlds of opportunity to people who've never proven themselves in the real world before.

I just hope the Texas A&M band doesn't play any songs from "Rent."

Gonna be a real reversal when Lane Kiffin makes Tom Rinaldi cry, but "dorkus" is a word that hits like a fist when you say it loud enough.

Congratulations to Coach Orgeron and, more importantly, to Jane Goodall.

Florida State's off this weekend, which is good news if you're a highway patrolman looking to hit your quota early this month.

Hey Coach Rodriguez, we had an unusual way to signal for punts at Florida, too. Called him Jesse Palmer.

I shat in a skillet and fried it in Mack Brown's house when he was at North Carolina. BOOMER.

Texas can't secede. Bob Stoops holds the deed to the place.