PURDUE BRAVELY FURLOUGHS FOOTBALL PROGRAM

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN (AP)-- The federal government shutdown may be affecting more than just service academy games.

In a press conference today, Darrell Hazell volunteered to put the Purdue football program on furlough until the federal budget crisis could be averted.

"I know it's a tough time, and with Purdue receiving over $200 million in government funding last year alone, I think it's the responsible thing to do," said Hazell via teleconference today. "There's a lot of other problems in the world, and sometimes we forget that. That's money better spent elsewhere."

Purdue University does receive $203.6 million in federal funding. None of that money goes toward the football program or any other athletic operations, per the university's 2012 financial statements.

When asked about this, Hazell said that critique missed the point.

"Those students are here because of that funding right? So it's like that money's touching ours. It's one big pot. That's what I'm told by administrators. The money all goes in the same place or something. And if we take out for one thing, there's another, and it's their money. Money pots. Pot."

Hazell insisted the money has never been a big need for Purdue.

"Honestly, we've never known what to do with all of it. Danny Hope used to just put 'shoulderpads' in on eBay and buy the first thing that popped up. That's why we have our Pro Combat Sugarbaker Women uniforms."

The time spent on furlough could be spent to ease spending from that "pot of money," per Hazell, and to give Purdue, 1-4 on the year so far, time to heal, regroup, and improve their prospects for the season.

"We could use this time to get some things in order. Get our files arranged more neatly, sort the mail, hunt and kill the weresnake that lives in the video room."

University officials had no comment when reached by phone this afternoon, and could not verify that a "Darrell Hazell" was employed by the university in any capacity.