DEAR WEST VIRGINIA: PLEASE SETTLE DOWN A BIT

To the students and citizens of Morgantown,

I understand excitement. Believe me, I do. That's what sports are for! A safe place to vent those youthful energies, to channel some of that excess rage you'd otherwise spend knocking off Cash 4 Gold stores and leaving no witnesses. Don't leave witnesses! I kid. Or I don't? Nevermind.

That's great, just great. But it can go too far! Setting a few fires is acceptable. Fun, even, provided you pick the right dumpster, preferably with the right people inside them. It's West Virginia! When I read ten fires, I just assume three or four of them are for cooking, and that one is inside a ransacked Aldi. Dented cans! Them and possum meat made this country strong.

But ten? All for a football game? That's excessive, and I grew up in Canada. We set fires over hockey games there, sure, but hockey's IMPORTANT and is PLAYED WITH KNIVES SCREWED INTO YOUR FEET.

This is football, and there's nothing in the rulebook about flipping cars, especially IS THAT AN AUDI Q5---

Gadzooks, do you even know how much you can get for that at a chop-- um, trade-in, friends? Like crashing a blimp you might have hijacked by jumping out of a biplane, it's a waste of a perfectly good piece of German engineering on the wrong thing.

Enjoy a good time without getting too crazy, is all I'm saying.

Sincerely,

Trevor Phillips

Sandy Shores, CA