THE CURIOUS INDEX, 10/1/2013

FINE, FINE, LET'S START THE DAY WEEPING.

The full story is here, and it is beautiful.

THE SHUTDOWN IS NOW LOCKING DOWN TRIPLE-OPTION FOOTBALL. The Air Force/Navy game might be postponed by the shutdown, as non-essential travel is indeed part of the spending shut off by the current federal government shutdown. Football is essential to this nation's fortunes, sir, and is the only thing standing between us and utter savagery. A weekend without the fullback dive is a Stalinist's weekend, is what we're saying, Mr. President.

HE WAS WASHINGTON STATE'S ONLY HIGHLIGHT. Mike Leach knows it, too, since even he wanted to sit in the rain and drunkenly pour popcorn into his mouth after watching Stanford beast-roll the Cougs on Saturday night.

ALL HAIL SQUINKY. Contrary to reports, the monster haunting the Cowboys is very much alive and thriving in rural Oklahoma, and talks to his mom just like you do.

PURDUE CAN'T GET PAST ANY DEFENSE. Purdue could not cross the goal line if it were defended by mall security guards. This is literally true, and involves two players allegedly attempting to steal tie bars. See what happens when you require players to wear ties to things?

SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S A CHANCE. 20-1 for Ed Orgeron as USC head coach? WE'LL TAKE IT! [slaps down $20] [has donkey eat $20 immediately]

ETC: "Oh, that American just got SO much face, man. Immense face." The DANNYBROWNFALL article we have all been waiting for. The training staff has done a great job keeping weight on the players this year. Lane Kiffin has completely given up already.