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GEORGIA TECH CONSIDERS A TRADE

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Because you can't go forward until you go sideways.

Kevin Liles-US PRESSWIRE

ACTING GEORGIA TECH ATHLETIC DIRECTOR PAUL GRIFFIN: Coach Johnson, I know our search for a defensive coordinator has taken longer than you wanted.

PAUL JOHNSON:

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GRIFFIN: It hasn't been easy to find someone who fits all your qualifications - someone who is as close as possible to Al Groh but is not, in fact, Al Groh.

JOHNSON:

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GRIFFIN: For starters, someone who has valuable experience helping a team reach a championship, as Al did with the New York Giants. That narrows the pool considerably, especially when you consider that an assistant on a title winner is more likely to get a head coaching position down the road.

JOHNSON:

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GRIFFIN: You also made it clear that you wanted someone who, like Coach Groh, had bounced around the college ranks a bit, with at least two different stops at ACC schools. As I reminded you in our previous conversations, Jim Tatum has been dead for over half a century. Moreover, you forbade me from interviewing anyone who did not have exactly four letters in their last name. At least, that's what I assume you meant when you threw a brick through my office window that just said "KERN OR DIE."

JOHNSON:

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GRIFFIN: Finally, you required that our new defensive coordinator be someone with head coaching experience "but sort of shitty at it," so as to prevent any suggestions that you could be replaced by said coordinator. Though it gives me pause to actively seek out someone who has failed when in charge, I have worked tirelessly to find a candidate who has all of these qualities.

JOHNSON:

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GRIFFIN: Ah, yes. This candidate also shares Groh's shellfish allergy, and the county medical examiner's allegiance remains well-secured thanks to all that diverted recruiting money. Coach Johnson, my recommended candidate, and the man who will lead Georgia Tech back to the defensive mountaintop, is...TED ROOF.

JOHNSON:

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GRIFFIN: Sir, I, ah, will need some indication of approval from you to process this hire. It need not be verbal.

JOHNSON:

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GRIFFIN: Very good sir. I shall alert the media.