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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 01/08/13

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ALABAMA REIGN OF TERROR CONTINUES; TIDESLAVED NATION SWEARS FEALTY TO LORD COMMANDER NICHOLAS "THE TALL" SABAN

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Alexander Hassenstein

LET'S BEGIN WITH THE IMPORTANT BUSINESS. Broadcasters repeatedly drooling over a beauty queen is creepy and weird (unless it's Kliff Kingsbury PULL OVER THAT ASS IS TOO FAT). But every cloud has a silver lining, and here that lining is Darnell Dockett, Chicken Wing Lothario. Of special note: AJ McCarron publicly stated that he would like to be a quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals, which will do nothing to quell ugly stereotypes about academic standards in the South.

THEN LET'S MOVE ON TO CLOSING UP THE STORE. That means putting together those last polls of the year. The middle of the Coach version is its usual mess - Florida is three spots behind a team it pummeled and three spots ahead of the team that made it the pummellee, nobody knew what to do with Boise State, and hey Northwestern, King of the B1G! - but the real treat comes at the end, where UCLA places higher amongst the also-rans than Baylor. Meanwhile, the AP voters decided five loss Michigan deserved a spot in the final 25, because not just everyone can beat Purdue and Illinois in successive weeks!

CELEBRATE SAFE. You see this? That's responsible public assembly - no overturned police vehicles, no crop duster spraying 99 Bananas all over the crowd, good cigarette-hug form. And, most importantly, everyone stayed one hundred miles plus away from Winnie The Pooh, Murder Edition.

SO WHAT DO I DO NOW? If you're an Alabama fan, you plan your victory party. If you're a Notre Dame fan, you catch up on your reading list. The rest of us will...basketball? I guess? Fuck.