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oh my god you guys i am soooooooooooooo bored is there anything even happening today

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Doug Pensinger

IT'S HERE IT'S FINALLY HERE. Yes, the day you've been waiting for all season - it's this year's BCS National Chip Kelly Tells NFL Teams "No Thanks, I'm Good" After Eating $700 Worth Of Crab On Their Dime. To those of you who think this means Kelly has burned all his NFL bridges and won't ever get another shot: the NFL has a Commissioner's Office-approved list of Shieldworthy coaching candidates, and it has Norv Turner's name twice.

AT THE TONE, THE TEMPERATURE OF BOB STOOPS'S SEAT WILL BE A COOL SIXTY SEVEN DEGREES. Losing another high-profile bowl game is not exactly what Oklahoma needed at this point, but it does make the media's job a lot easier. A handful of "find and replace" commands later and boom! Story's ready to go. But why does Bob Stoops never seem to actually be in danger of losing his job? It's simple: Bob Stoops is a champion. Also he has naked pictures of you.

AND FURTHERMORE. How dare you accuse Mike Stoops of being ill prepared. You don't just learn moves like these overnight, sirrah.

EVERYTHING KIM JONG-IL CLAIMED HE DID? Johnny Manziel did it twice.

FLASHES FAIL TO REMEMBER PAST; DOOMED TO REPEAT IT. It's January's crown jewel, the Bowl, and you decided to wear this shit? Because that's what Kent State had on its last bowl appearance, the 1972 Tangerine Bowl? YOU LOST THAT GAME TO THE UNIVERSITY OF TAMPA, DUMMIES.

ETC. Checkmate, Phil Simms. These also look like terrible CD-ROM games in the five dollar bin at CompUSA. ROLL DAMN BIMZIE.