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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 01/31/2013

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Jeff Gross

HE SWEARS HE'S LEARNED HIS LESSON. You can trust him to stay home alone and you don't even have to lock the liquor cabinet. He's more mature now! And the neighbors totally exaggerated that whole "up on the roof shaking his dick at people walking their dogs" thing. It was more of a jiggle.

WHEN YOU CAN GET A NORV DISCIPLE, YOU DON'T HESITATE. Imagine all the knowledge UVA's new offensive coordinator picked up in San Diego! BONUS: this features a positive reference to J.P. Losman. You are totally gonna tear shit up, Cavaliers.

A KNOXVILLE VICTORY. The Volunteers pick up one of the nation's top wide receiver recruits after he was assured, in writing, that Matt Elam can't hurt him. This, of course, is a lie, because Matt Elam is every form of pain. He made you jam your index finger playing pickup basketball, and he was the hot pizza burning the roof of your mouth.

GUS MALZAHN HOT SEAT ALERT. He can't even keep the running back depth chart full oh sweet lord is it too late to get Gene Chizik back somebody call him and offer him whatever Ferentz makes times three.

THE LAST WORD GOES TO HER STABBIFUL. Holly sees what you're doing, James Franklin. To blatantly misquote Big Daddy Kane, "ain't no half-trollin'."

ETC. If your nightmares could have nightmares, this would be what they would look like.